Here's a picture of Reknowned counsellor, Christian Carter...He's got a best selling book called Catch Him and Keep Him...lol..sounds funny but helpful.Below is what i learnt today..thot to share, there's love in sharing.
Step #1: Shifting From Blaming & Criticism to
Vulnerability
A man doesn't want a woman who's upset,
irritable, and hard to be close to.
In fact, that's the last thing most men want,
and the first reason most men start thinking about
leaving a relationship with a woman they used to
love.
"But most women don't become hard-edged, annoyed
and worn down by their man and relationship on
purpose"
They stop getting what they want, and so they
start to build WALLS and shut down the part of
them that was VULNERABLE and that a man could love
in the first place.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Think back to the last time you were in a
fight with your man or he did or said something
that really got under your skin?
How did you react?
Did you feel yourself tighten and become
disconnected from him emotionally?
Was it difficult to open up and really LISTEN
to what he had to say because all you could think
about was how wrong he was?
I get it.
When you're feeling resentful or disconnected
from a man because he's hurt you, the LAST thing
you want to do is to become softer, more
vulnerable or accepting of the love and attention
he wants to give you.
That's because when your man has let you down
in some way, your normal reaction is to PUSH HIM
AWAY.
You do that because you want him to know and
to FEEL how much you're hurting, and you want him
to see you and love you.
But instead of loving him to get you to love
you back, you do things like:
-Criticize him
-Pretend like nothing is wrong and withdraw
-Get angry at little things he says
-Withhold your love, affection, and sex
-Give him the "silent treatment"
But if it's MORE that you want, why is it so
often that you find yourself giving LESS?
For most women, this happens because they
already feel like they are giving too much of
themselves.
And that they're the only one giving, or
they're just not getting much if anything back
for all that they do for their guy.
Sound familiar?
You start to think that everything you're
doing for the relationship is a chore, or just
plain hard work, and you let him know in
obvious (and not so obvious) ways.
You start to see not just the thing he did
that upset you--but ALL the ways he upsets you
or irritates you.
So all the little things he does that were just
little annoying "quirks" before become one of the
many major reasons why things just aren't
"working."
One thing sets it off, but now he can't do
ANYTHING right in your eyes.
But here's the result of going down those paths
- they never get you the solution you're REALLY
looking for, or get you what you really want and
need from your man.
Which is - more love and affection. More
understanding. More connection.
There's a better way.
What if, instead of shutting down and
becoming blaming and critical of him, you OPENED
UP and shifted out of and away from the things
that weren't working?
What if instead of intellectually thinking
about how wrong he is, and how justified YOU are
in what you did or said, you could just stop and
get in touch with what you're feeling, and what
you really want?
Do you think your guy would respond
differently?
Do you think it would have an impact on your
relationship?
You bet it would.
But of course all this is easier said than done
IN THE MOMENT.
In fact, being able to open and love MORE in
the tough times when you feel like your
relationship is giving you LESS is hard.
When someone hurts or upsets you, and you feel
unappreciated or unloved, the last thing you want
to do is sit around and figure out why you're
feeling the way you do, and look at what else you
can do to make things better.
Instead, you want HIM to get with it and start
giving to you the way you've been giving to him.
But with this feeling you often want to try and
fix things right away, you RESIST the hard
feelings that come up inside you and, instead,
push them OUTWARDS at him.
This is when you get into "blaming",
"criticizing" or "needy" mode, which sometimes
makes you feel a tiny bit better...but only for a
little while until you see that your guy only
pulls farther away afterwards.
It doesn't take a psychologist to see that this
is NOT a great strategy for inspiring your guy,
for finding more love and happiness, and for
building a lasting long-term relationship.
So how do you get out of a destructive and
dead-end pattern?
It's often the things we don't think to try
that, when we finally give them a chance, create
amazing results in our lives.
And that means trying something that feels very
COUNTERINTUITIVE.
That means stepping out of your comfort zone
and doing something different than what feels
"normal" and "obvious" in order to change the
outcome.
Here's what I'm getting at.
When you find yourself in that place where you
begin to tighten up and resist because your
emotions and frustrations are welling up inside
you, instead of trying to quickly feel better and
ignore or hiding those feelings, give yourself some
space.
Try feeling it MORE.
That's right - really get deep into what you're
feeling and find the words to describe it.
Take a minute to let yourself become aware of
WHERE these feelings are really coming from.
Then, once you've had a tiny bit of time to
feel it and understand it a little bit for
yourself, you can share what you're feeling with
your man.
Not only will you start to learn and grow by
leaps and bounds in your own heart and mind with
this simple exercise...
But your relationship will suddenly start to
look and feel differently to you, as your man will
react differently to you and stay closer and more
open to you and what you're going through.
In other words, by giving yourself space to
feel what you feel, you also make space for your
real feelings in your relationship and to be felt
and more understood by your man.
And it's these moments that create that
intense, deep CONNECTION and love that is what a
relationship is all about.
Let me ask you:
When was the last time you had the experience
of a really intense pain or emotion you felt being
taken in and understood and talked through with
you by your man?
When was the last time your man said, "Wow, I
didn't know you felt that way. I'm sorry. Is there
anything I can do"?
If you're like some women I've talked to and
helped over the years, then it's been way, way too
long since you've felt emotionally supported and
heard by a man in this way.
Instead, they seem to react with withdrawal,
irritation, anger or frustration each time you
tell them how you're feeling.
And it's only making you more frustrated.
It's time you feel more supported, and your man
starts being this way with you on a regular basis.
Which leads you to something important here -
a CHOICE.
You have a choice about how you're going to
keep on handling your own feelings and emotions in
your relationship.
And you have a choice in how your feelings are
going to shape your experience and your
relationship.
You can keep doing what you've been doing and
hope that it starts to work once a man finally
figures it out and gets with it.
Or...
You can try something you might not have
thought to try before -
Which is actually opening and sharing more of
your deeper FEELINGS, instead of your busy
THOUGHTS.
If you try the new way I'm going to show you,
then get ready to watch as you get a different
outcome and response from your man that you
might have not thought possible from around your
feelings.
Here are some examples of what I'm talking
about:
Let's say you notice that your guy has a
wandering eye, and it upsets you.
Should you say something?
Should you stay quiet and try to not let it
bother you because "men are men"?
The key here is respecting yourself, your true
emotions, and sharing what you're feeling, not
what you're THINKING.
Otherwise, you'll not only put more distance
between you and your man...
But he probably won't know why you're upset and
he'll eventually feel irritated that you're
unhappy for some unknown reason.
So if it's your true feelings that are
important, what do you say?
THINKING Statement:
"You must not be attracted to me anymore since you
obviously want other women."
Wrong. This is sure to only create a new
problem that probably isn't about what's really
going on in the first place.
FEELING Statement:
"I feel really scared and gross when you look at
or flirt with other women in front of me."
What's going on here, and what's the
difference?
You're talking about the same thing, but being
open and honest enough to stick to your FEELINGS
about what's happening, instead of moving to
judgment, is what makes all the difference with a
man and making sure he listens and opens up to you
in return.
Let's try another example.
Let's say your guy doesn't call and he's 30
minutes late to meet you or pick you up.
How could he do that and not call?
If he had just called, it wouldn't have been a
big deal.
Why didn't he?
THINKING Statement:
"You're either dumb or insane if you think you
can show up here 30 minutes late and not call and
I won't be angry at you. What's your problem?"
FEELING Statement:
"I feel upset and confused because I don't
understand why you didn't call."
Do you see how the two feel very different?
One feels very offensive, blaming, and
antagonistic. It actually raises the level of
conflict, and creates tension and distance.
The other one is an "opening" kind of question
that actually allows for truth, honesty and
promotes answers and understanding.
Oh, and which one do you think a man will
respond better to?
Your thinking statements, or your feeling ones?
I can practically guarantee you that a man will
either shut down and feel annoyed or withdraw from
you, or escalate things and get into an argument
with you and not give you any understanding if you
used the thinking statements in the above
situation.
But if you used the FEELING statements above,
and you left space after them for your guy to say
something...
Very quickly he'd start to listen, explain
himself, and either apologize or give you the
understanding and respect you just wanted in the
first place.
But here's a catch, and where most women mess
this up even though they start out with their
FEELINGS:
Once you open up and admit your true feelings,
you can't keep going on and on about it.
You have to allow time for a man to process
what you just said, and not "rush" things just
because you feel uncomfortable and want him to
hear you and say something immediately.
Most men - about 99.9% of them - do NOT move
this fast from one emotion to the next.
So when you try and take them with you on that
ride, things will just turn ugly.
This is just a small part of some of the
secrets to inspiring a man to be an open and
endlessly understanding partner to you.
I'll post the second part...later
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