Her question?...Have i shot myself in the leg?...Have i destroyed the chances of having a meaningful relationship with this person?...Will he ever respect me as i would love to be respected?....Plenty..plenty questions...
As usual, went hunting...found Venus and Mars opinions on the matter, thot to share. If the subject topic matters to you, you are very free to share your onions too!
How do you think men feel about women who sleep with them on the first or second date? Does it affect whether they see you as a potential long-term girlfriend?
Rachel: It doesn’t matter if you sleep with a man on the first date or the 20th—if he really likes you, it won’t make a difference. But if you’re not sure and want to test how he feels about you, hold off. If he’s willing to stick around for a few dates and not pressure you, fine
If you don’t sleep with him either and don’t hear back from him, then you know exactly where his intentions were.
Cate: If you sleep with a guy too soon, you completely remove the mystique. I’m not advocating game-playing, but even the nicest guy will lose interest if you sleep with him quickly. If you give him access to everything right off the bat, there is nothing to work toward or look forward to. You’ve gotta strike a balance and give him a reason to call you!
Lisa: In my experience, you pretty much blow your chances of a relationship if you sleep with him too early because you’re fast-tracking dating to an awkward stage. It’s kinda serious because you’ve seen each other naked, but how serious can it really be if you barely know each other? It’s better to spend lots of time together before taking it to that level. What’s the rush?
Do you make a point of holding off on sleeping with a guy too early? How do men react to your decision?
Rachel: The last guy I really liked wanted me to go home with him after our first meeting. I said, “Not tonight,” and never heard from him again. Clearly he was just interested in sex, and I’m glad I found that out before things went further.
Cate: I always wait until we’ve spent a substantial amount of time together to gauge what the guy is like and how we mesh. It’s better to hold off a bit so you don’t discover something horrible about him after you’ve already had sex. But if you wait too long, you get into this weird friend territory. The guys I’ve dated have been cool with waiting. In fact, it’s even more fun for them because they can pursue you.
Lisa: I don’t want to sleep with anyone until we’ve established mutual trust, and that feeling takes time to develop. Most guys are OK with waiting until we get to know each other, but others aren’t. I’m pretty upfront about my decision, which helps me weed out the men who are only interested in sex.
Do you think women who make men wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?
Rachel: No. Women who have no problem making men wait may also not have a high sex drive and that doesn’t lend well to the long-term either.
Cate: I don’t think so, but I do think they end up being smarter about relationships and ultimately with better quality men because they got to know the guy, so sex was an informed decision, versus sleeping with him too soon, then finding out he’s a jerk.
Lisa: I think so. If you ultimately end up with the guy, it’s something you worked toward. You waited to get what you wanted, and that speaks to your dedication to relationships.
What is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?
Rachel: There’s no set time limit. Until both parties are comfortable with the idea and the act.
Cate: Wait a month, so you get to know each other. Or at least a handful of dates—say, five.
Lisa: You should wait until trust has been established. That usually takes a few months, until you’ve had some deep conversations or have met each other’s friends. The longer you wait, the more gratifying the sex will be.
If you do end up falling in bed with a guy pretty quickly but you want a serious relationship, are there things you can do to pave the way toward a longer relationship?
Rachel: No, you just have to feel it out and see what kind of response you get from him. If he calls you soon after and wants to get together, then go for it.
Cate: Afterwards, engage him with your mind. Make him want more time with you. Show him who you are, and don’t let him assume that sex will always be on the menu by planning activities during the day or with friends. You can still have sex, but play it cool. Show him that you’re interested in a relationship by letting him into your life.
Lisa: Tell him that you’d like to get to know each other more and hold off from having sex again for a while, so he doesn’t think that’s all your relationship will ever be.
Q: What do you think about women who sleep with you on the first or second date—does it impact whether you see her as a potential long-term girlfriend?
Jack (40 years old, divorced): Though the answer will no doubt send ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the female species, I don’t view the timing of the first occurrence of sex with a woman as an indicator of anything. Never.
Stan (35, never married): If a girl slept with me that quickly, I would consider it a deal-breaker. Men are wired to want to sleep with others more quickly because of instant gratification. But if a woman had that little self-control, it would not bode well for the future.
Alec (50, never married): In my mind, it doesn't make a difference—as long as the woman understands that just because she slept with me, it doesn't mean the rest of the relationship is also moving quickly. But I will say, it does sort of put pressure on the situation when you sleep together so quickly. It makes the getting-to-know-you part tougher. One or both of you may have expectations of what the next date will be like. For example, if you sleep over, what happens when one doesn't want to sleep over the next time? Does the other feel slighted? Does it mean every date is a sleepover, and if it’s not that you're regressing? It makes things tougher.
Q: Are there cases where you do sleep with a woman early on, but are still open to a serious relationship with her—say, if the sex is great, or you two really hit it off during brunch the next day, or she's friends of friends?
Jack: Sure. Great sex only makes us want to be with you more. And if we hit it off after sex over brunch the next day, we consider it a win. Her being friends of friends has nothing to do with it; it’s a non-issue. In fact, if I don't like her and she is a friend of a friend, I have to drop the blade sooner or the blow-back will be worse.
Stan: I think no, I would not be open to it. There was one girl I slept with on the first date, and we ended up having a relationship, but it was a woman I’d known and worked with for four months. But if it's someone you just met and you slept with on the first date, there'd be no recovery from that. And I don't think a woman should want to date a man who wanted to sleep with her on the first date. I don't even try to sleep with women on the first date anymore.
Alec: This question is based on the idea that if you sleep together early on, you're already thinking it will not be serious. So, in my mind, any man who rules out a woman who slept with him early on—well, he isn't being very serious about finding a long-term relationship in the first place.
Q: In your experience, do you think women who make you wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?
Stan: I think they do make better potential long-term partners. As I've gotten older, I have realized there should be something sacred, private, and intimate about sex between two people. It's a revelation and a sharing. I don't think I would want to be with someone who's so willing to share herself with others. I want someone who's going to honor that aspect of herself and only share herself when it's really appropriate.
Alec: Probably, yes. But it doesn't work too well if she's totally withholding physically early on. She needs to let you know she is receptive to sex with you and is holding off not because of lack of desire, but because she wants to get to know you more.
Jack: I disagree—in my mind, a woman who "makes you wait" is treating sex as a commodity. She’s trying to, as Pat Benatar once said, "use sex as a weapon" and trying to manipulate the outcome of the new relationship. If she feels the strength of a long-term relationship is contingent on when she "gave it up," she needs to get in her time machine and leave the year 1952—which she’s obviously stuck in—immediately. As soon as she places such a high value on sex, she devalues the other, more lasting
components of a successful long-term relationship.
“As I've gotten older, I’ve realized there should be something sacred about sex between two people.”
Q: What, in your mind, is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?
Jack: From the first date onward…
Stan: Probably three weeks to a few months. In this day and age, people are quick to make sex part of a relationship. It's unrealistic to think you can be dating someone four months without sex. So, a few weeks to a few months.
Alec: Maybe five, six dates. But it's very hard to make a rule for it. If there were rules about this stuff, it would be so much easier. I think it's best if men and women talk about sleeping together and have some ease of communication established before they do the deed. Let's face it, having sex changes the dynamics of a relationship.
Q: If a woman does end up falling in bed with you pretty quickly, are there things she can do to pave the way toward a longer relationship?
Jack: Yes. Don't suddenly start withholding sex to "slow things down”. You want to have less sex or at least balance it with public, social interaction? Fine. We're all for that. But we can't undo the fact we had sex. Was it fun? Great, let's do it again.
Stan: I think yes, if she convinces you that you're special and that she doesn't do this very often or hardly at all, if you feel there was something special between the two of you, then I think that would pave the way toward potentially overcoming that obstacle, if you will.
Alec: She should play it cool after the first time. If she sleeps with a guy early, then is a little evasive, it will drive him crazy and he’ll chase her more. This is the dirty little secret. If you tell women this, they will torture us forever.
This wan na oyinbo talk...i am doing a research on how a naija man and woman would view the issue.
