In the last couple of weeks I have been exceedingly happy and worried at the same time. Time spent away from my blog has been really and truly painful. Every single day I had thought about fulfilling obligation to my blog but I just couldn’t find the time.
This place is my refuge, my quiet and true place of solace and for a while now I have been thinking of making this post but in honesty I feared your judgments, yet I expect so much response from you all.
I would like to share a secret with you all; to some it might be a great shock to others a regular life experience, but right now I just wanted to vent.
On the 4th of November, a tall handsome man walked into my life. I didn’t think much of anything as regards the relationship, I just wanted it to take a natural course and of course it did. I have enjoyed the bliss of being in a relationship, there have been no hassles, and things have been totally wonderful. Added to the resume is the envy and constant bicker I get from colleagues as regards my catch.
We go everywhere together; spend all the available time together. He even follows me to the salon. The Toll of events got me thinking I had found my own.
Less than three weeks in the relationship he kept on insisting he wanted to meet my family. I was concerned because meeting the family meant a great deal to the relationship, to me it signified he wanted more than a casual relationship. I shoved the issue several times to be exactly sure he knew what he was up against, but he still didn’t budge. So obviously I gave in and introduced him to my family. My mother was excited, yet I was cautious seeing this was the first man I was introducing to her as the one I was dating.
He repped well and I couldn’t be happier with him.
Now this is where the worrisome part comes in!
He never lied to me about anything or let me correct myself I have never caught him in a lie. He told me he was married with three kids. In fairness to God by the time he told me, I was already caught up and totally into him.
I have tried to leave him twice and on each count he has asked me to be patient that with time he would tell me the entire truth. Deep within me I knew there was more, oh a lot more he wasn’t telling me but I wanted him to come to telling me himself without me putting pressure on him. We spend our entire weekends together and each time I keep pushing him to call home, but he just never does, he keeps giving excuses and postponing when to call. He just got a place and I literally helped him move in and settle down.
So on a certain Friday, he was travelling to Lagos, and after we were done packing he said he had something to tell me and that it was important. I froze in fear not sure what to expect but yet expecting anything could happen. He said to me and I quote that he was having problems at home. Out of fear almost immediately I stopped him from speaking and told we would talk about it once he returned.
He came back a couple of days later and we got talking. He told me he was in the middle of a divorce. He said that I should have noticed there was problem because he never spoke about her, never calls except when he wants to talk to the kids, neither has she bothered to come see him after he moved to the new place.
He also told me that to what purpose would he want to meet my family if he wasn’t taking me seriously.
Believe me all when I say I still have head squared absolutely on my shoulder. People call me pessimistic because to whatever I do I try to vary the cons more than the pros. I have carefully thought about everything and truthfully I would love to put my eggs in one basket with me.
I have written about dating a married man and I frankly feel weird being in the midst of this whole saga.
At this stage I am in I need of all the advice I can get. Have I gone far ahead of myself? Truthfully I have single men in tow but I just can’t shake off why I chose him over them all.
Asides from the fact that I have been really into work; this has been my extra curricular activities.

Have missed u all!

I am so tired and in need of some good sleep,but i knew i wanted to say something on my blog before going to bed.

Its been so long.....eighteen days long....wow....na wah oh...(omo wase o rise)....yoruba slango!

No doubt i love my job, its fun and exciting.A whole world of difference from what i used to do.I resumed as soon as i got my offer letter.It was so fast i couldn't believe myself.

The first hours @ work was stressless until i met the regional manager later in the day.Directly from Lagos i was posted to the Customer Relations desk, just what  wanted....who wanted to go about marketing for some obscene amount of money.Like i was saying jare,i was already doing rounds with old staff when the RM called me and said i should resume at anoda branch as a marketer....arrgghhhh was my response, shame no catch me oh!.I no fit shout as it was my first day and all and i had to leave a very good impression,plus he told me he had the final say.

So off i went to the newly assigned branch...i was pissed off but wetin  i go do now.When i got there,the branch manager also told me in a very annoying manner that  shouldn't even contest anything that i should just go to marketing.

There and then i gave up and left my fate in the hands of God.While they were taking me around, an angel came to my rescue. I didn't know him from adam, yet he chose to fight for me.He sorta kinda have the wims and caprices to make things happen in the bank...na so he carrry my case for head.He said i was going back to the orginally assigned branch and position.

Sha long story short, the next day i was back at the old branch, with the RM saying he only brought me back as a personal favour to my angel.That wan no concern me oh as long as i got what i desired....selfish..selfish

After that time,its been two weeks now and i have not only experienced peace but indescribable favour.I made new and exciting friends.Frankly i didn't know there was life outside my regular day to day before now.

The pay is fantastic, a huge margin from what  have been earning in the last three years.

I am enjoying my job and  i am really happy about it.Remember that time i almost had a panic attack cos some of my friends were employed before me into marketing,the lesson i garnered from it is that one should never compare oneself with others.U won't believe it, my friends are complaining immensely about the stress of marketing right now.I don't envy them oh!

I am so tired right now,i want to go to bed...i'll talk to you guys soonest.

Finally, I got in!

I have been waiting in the last few weeks to share this with you, infact i had rehearsed what i would say and write about it.

I was called, i got in, i got the job with the bank!yipppeeee!!!

I am so excited.

It came when i wasn't expecting it, i wasn't frantic or anxious anymore and the call came. All the drama i had prepared in my head that i would do when i get the call, i don't know how i escaped without doing them.

Most importantly, i want to use this opportunity to thank everyone who shared, motivated and consoled me during that period.

Wheewww! i am so grateful another hurdle has been crossed,i have moved finally from the 5D wage to the 6figure pack, very interesting i must say, a very much needed change.

I am resuming asap, isn't that cool.

I am blogging from a cyber cafe in another town,far away from home, so forgive the length of this post, i'll do a better job next time.

But thanks to everyone, i'll do my blog rounds when i get to my beloved PC.

Question Time

What are the defining characters of one is who is picky or choosy when it comes to relationships?

Is being picky and choosy in itself wrong?

My friend asked me today, if she were the one responsible for her single state?She told me her friends took her for the above mentioned when asked  to weigh her out.

She has been in countless relationships, both with the married men and single men.All of which have brought nothing to show for it.

She met a single guy not too long ago, who she didn't feel any attraction towards.The guy was all over her but she didn't just like him on that romantic level.There is no guy in sight currently and she's worried, if she had made a mistake by letting him go.

She's bothered if its true what the say about her.

I have pitched in my own onions to her, i am just wondering if at this stage,people are not allowed the right to actually choose who they want and like what they choose.

Is there a problem just loving the ones we love and not feeling for the one's we don't.

ITS REVOLUTION TIME!WHO'S IN?

I am doing this article for greyamethyst, i really like that chic and i can't help but hurt with her.Seriously relationships are hard, take a good look at the percentage of articles posted by a good number of bloggers and it has to do with alot of relationship hiccups.Its good for some,yet sorely bad for others.Its so painful and the question is...should relationships be this hard?

I won't lie to you,but this post had been done before,but i had to revisit it.

Understanding the purpose of a thing determines how it is going to be utilized.This is why i advocate seriously that a woman be exactly CLEAR for herself when a man isn't measuring up, and that it is NOT HER FAULT and in most cases there is little one can do about it.

The purpose of any relationship is to grow.If there is no growth, the essence of the relationship is defeated.It is simply understanding what wasn't working,and the old roles you played, which all has to die inorder for you to grow.

It is important we become very honest with ourselves and what's really going on around us.Life is too short to hang around something that isn't good for you or makes you unhappy.The truth is to avoid trading your happiness, insights, or emotional wellbeing for someone's love or approval. It is downright frustrating and more often than not a surety for failure.

You and I know those relationships where you really care about or love someone, but it isn't just working!We try by all means to make or fix things by doing nice things, showing more love and what we get in return is more withdrawal and utter neglect. We make silly excuses for what's going on with our supposed partner by obssessing about what's wrong with US instead of having the confidence to take a good look at what your mate is really doing wrong and accepting this as the reality of the situation.

We all have our differences, we are never the same..our backgrounds,views, opinions, ethics are different, man and women reason differently.Understanding and communicating this clearly without any biases determines greatly how well put together a relationship can or should be.
If we have people in our lives who just can't seem to accept us or put up with us, then fine!It's their loss not our's, trying to play the role of the convincer is just a waste of time and emotion, As Donald Trump said in the first season of the apprentice, "Taking the begging route,never makes you win"

I realized we don't have to be sorry for who we are or how we were created,we could only be sorry for the errors and accidental mistakes we make and strive to be better, but not entirely kill ourselves about them.
Those who can leave us, can do so because they can...for if they had been for us, they would not have left us at all.

Its sad and very depressing when a relationship ends,it seems like a part of us just dies,like the person takes a part of us and disappears with  it.Its the severing that makes us think we can't go on,but truthfully we can and when the time passes, we look back, see that we have survived.

I have seen friends crack seriously at the end of a relationship,took the begging route and yet didn't suceed.Some can handle their feelings,yet others can't..no blame laying here....we are all wired differently.

Suffice to say, when one party quits then we should quit too..abeg this doesn't apply to marriages oh!...we sure can't beg anyone to stay.Its entirely their choice.If they let go, we should also do the same.

Ok if you think that differently,please share your views.My stand on the matter is that we can't make anyone stay with us,if they don't want to.

In the absence of not knowing!

In the absence of not knowing what to write for a full four days, going in and out of emotions.I have decided to say -

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

And yes i have this great gal and her sister doing a tour around africa by road,by ferry and stuff.I think they are so cool.Naija babes oh! I wish i had them guts!

Thanks to everybody who commented on my previous post...you all rock.

ehn ehn their blog site is http://africacelebrates.blogspot.com/ , i seriously advocate that you check em out and give your support.

To everyone in Naija, wishing u all a very restful public holiday.

tooooodlllooooooo.

Dating a matured man

Have you ever been in a relationship where Mr. Man became bratty, self righteous, ego centric and self centred as days went by?

I wish to be able to identify myself how to differentiate between a matured man and jerk from the moment i set my eyes on him, thats why i researched for this article.

Have you ever noticed that immature men can't just simply hold on to relationships as well as a matured man can.

P.S, All round physical attractiveness is not an identifying mark for maturity.

In my short study of the above mentioned topic, i realized the following tid bits that i would lllllooooovvvvveeee to share with you.Believe me, this is a good bet for your time and attention.

#1
A matured man can stay calm in the storm and know how to rightly deal with situations.They understand how to remain calm even when things are their most intense and uncertain.This level of groundedness is something most women and I, might i add, love and appreciate about men when things go awry.Criticize a matured man and he will take it positively.

Immature men on the other hand, can't handle a woman's real feelings.He would simply fall apart when even the slightest hint of conflict or tension comes up. He will take it as a personal attack and gripe about it for a long time.Criticize him and the whole world would crumble.

A Matured man can handle your most intense feelings and remain honest and thoughtful when you share them (although they might not always agree with you). They understand the word called "Forgiveness".

An Immature man becomes unsettled and react negatively when a woman is the least bit honest and concerned about anything.To them any need to converse is referred to as drama or unecessary worry or details.

I reckon however that the ideal way to clearly distinct a matured man from a jerk is his ability to listen and communicate in a calm and loving way when a woman is at her most intense with him.
Choosing a man who already has this quality of remaining calm in the storm can and will make everything in your relationship much easier.

ALSO.....

Being conscious about how one communicate feelings with your man, is the sign of a healthy and matured woman.

#2
What's His relationship like with others? Tell me who your friends are and i will tell you who you are...so says that adage. You want to differentiate, watch his relationships with others, who he moves around with!If he has a hard time nurturing and communicating in his relationship with his family, friends and colleagues, then check his maturity level.
If he handles conflicts and issues with patience, compassion and understanding, and a positive attitude that has the goal of a positive and loving outcome in mind, its a good bet to assume this is how he will handle things that might come up with you.

However, if he takes offence whenever anyone sees him as less than perfect...or he instantly defends himself, redirects problems...you can bet he will not handle things well with you.

A relationship to a matured man is of high importance, he takes pride in his partner..differences irrespective.Even if they have to break up, issues are resolved amicably without any rifts.
An Immature man however, blows things out of proportion, takes pleasure in being spiteful,strifeful and unforgiving.Always puts self first and thinks of what is only best for himself.

The clarity i have gotten from the following is a world changer and i must say i am pleased with myself.It has not only empowered me, but helped from stop worrying so much about what men are thinking and doing and start moving towards what is best and appropriate in finding someone who is well grounded and respectful.
I realized you could actually tell alot about a person's maturity level from the very moment you meet them.That is why it is advised strongly that a woman shouldn't jump into bed with a man you don't know, i mean strongly advised....time spent getting to know yourself outside sexual intimacy shows for real, the true character of a person...remember familiarity breeds contempt. The hurt and betrayal that comes from partners involved in sex (especially for the woman)is far greater than when you have avoided sexual intimacy early on in a relationship....there's a level of respect you have for yourself within yourself...(u alone can testify to that) seeing how the person turns out to be at the end of the day.

P.S, Somethings in life are never to be regretted, cos in actual fact, that were eye openers and life changers.E.g. Think about the man you had secretly had a crush on and fantasized about for years.You finally came together and suddenly you realized that they were not much of it after all...Just a waste of emotions and time, selfish, annoying and utterly disrespectful...that's to mention a few....and you say to yourself... what a shame!...was it worth it afterall...

Please for the love of God, put aside your waning feelings for a sec and open your friggin eyes..there are jerks out there claiming to be men...beware!

Now that I know what they act and behave like,then i know He can't love me and be selfish at the same time....

"I don talk my own, i dey wait for your own!"

Thankful

I stand today simply in awe of God's Faithfulness and i say "Bianule"...come and see what the good Lord has done.

Having done all i possibly know, in every human facet...i surrender and give it all to the Almighty God, my Father, The All Sufficient, The All knowing and all wise God.

O the depths of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable are His Judgements, and His ways past finding out!
For who has known the mind of the Lord? or who has been His counsellor 
or who has first given to Him and it shall be recompensed unto Him again.
For of Him, and through Him, and to Him, are all things:
to Him be all glory for ever, Amen......Romans 11: 33 - 36

Today, I thank the Lord for Life. 
I am grateful because i can arise from my bed after a sleep that could have crossed me over to eternity and this could have only been possible because He himself chose to sustain me.

I thank Him for my family and friends, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. Loving me, caring for me and supporting me.

I thank Him for the opportunities and benefits he daily loads me with. The chance to grow, live and learn, to forgive, forget and love inspite of it all.

I thank Him for the enemies that rose up against me with great trials, temptations and persecutions. Had they not risen, i would never have known the victory He given me.

I thank Him for wisdom in deciphering opportunities. Knowing the ones i should hold onto and the ones i should let go.

I thank Him for the relationships that have worked and those that never materialized. I thank Him for the people that have stayed with me inspite of my flaws and i thank Him for the ones that have walked, it was simply because they could walk away, for had they stayed i would never have met the right ones.

I thank Him for the delays. They have taught me what it meant to wait and be patient. Given me the strength to know there are times and there are definately seasons and that no matter how long, my store house will without a doubt be filled.

I thank Him because of the Inheritance i possess in Him. I thank Him for the Garment of salvation He clothe me with, the Robe of Righteousness he endowed me, the cloak of praise He showered me with inspite of the madness around me.

I thank Him for preservation from Death,witholding my frail body from sickness, diseases and infirmity. Preserving me, friends and family from the dominating influence of disaster, ignominy, shame and reproach the world brings. Shielding me from all these by His word...Psalm 91....Guarding me consistently from harmsway, giving His Angels absolute charge over me.

I thank Him for His unending grace and mercy. Never failing, never ending. Consistently standing as a reminder for me inspite of my flaws and failings.

There are so many things I thank you for, things seen and those unseen. But most importantly, I thank you because you're not only My God and Father,You are my Friend, Lover, Savior,Protector, My Glory and Shield.
All of this are insufficient to describe your faithfulness or who you are in its entirety.

I therefore come to this conclusion as my Fathers in Faith would and have and i proudly and unashamedly say, looking beyond myself or what i might be faced with right now to say that even if you refuse to remain God, You will forever be mine.

P.S...I got a call from another bank for a chat..and guess what the funny thing is..i dont know anybody there, i have never written any aptitude test, yet they have called me like three times between last week and now.

God is Simply Good.

Tension!..Just for the sake of giving it a title

P.S* Peeps.This is not a post in any way.I am just looking for a way to relieve myself of tension.

Please do not mind me!

In the last one year now i have been doing an entrance level interview with the Equitorial Trust Bank(ETB). The time difference between each interview is usually very long and depressing.On several ocassions, i have given up on the search for that particular job offer.

Again after about 7 months, i was called for the final stage interview.I have been waiting again for the last two weeks to be called. Only for me to receive a call from one d peeps i did the interview with that she had just gotten her offer letter. I was happy for her yet distraught at the same time,y..because i have not received any such call.

I have been calling quite a number of people who did the interview with me and the response i get is in the affirmative. Oh dear!..i want this job so badly.I am almost at the point of a panic attack.

I am freaking out, my palms are sweaty, i am so anxious.My spirit keeps telling me to relax but i can't just seem to put myself up to it.I don't want this opportunity to pass me by, i so need this change.

Oh God! Please help me.

P.S* I warned you oh..this is not a post oh...i can't even concentrate on doing blog rounds.

HOME IS RIGHT HERE!

Today i am so emotional,but in a very good way.Why because in a short amount of time,not only has my life changed, my entire thought process has been rekindled and has received the capacity to be renewed on a continous basis.

Everyone needs companionship, nobody and i repeat,nobody is supposed to be ever alone. We don't have to go thru the ups and downs of life alone. We were created for companionship, no one is born an island. You were made for me and i for you. The purpose of our meeting is such that i might be better than how you found me.

With you i have learnt to develop a good attitude inspite of what i face.To keep my focus in the right place and not on my problems.Understanding the need to have a sense of humor and not be uptight and shrewd.

With you i have learnt that happiness increases my chances of attracting my much desired need unlike sadness, that tends to sap away my almost already diminished strength.

With you i have learnt to be open minded, transparent and honest, for who knows through my giving, someone else might receive life for today. Never to take anyone for granted,but hold  every person in high esteem.No harm in being kind.

With you i have learnt to share and not hoard, for to what purpose is it if  a man gains the whole world yet loose his soul.Learnt enthusiasm, open mindedness and empathy.

With you i have learnt courage, to do the much dreaded inspite of my fears...knowing that an airplane doesn't go along with the wind but against the wind.With this i have learnt no to cower in fear but be courageous and strong.

With you i have learnt motivation.Learnt how to have fun,yet acquiring knowledge at the same time.Here i have come to understand the true meaning of venting knowing that i have peeps like you watching my back.Her i am safe,free and unafraid to be myself in my quest of being successful. Here my secrets are safe.

With you i have learnt that everybody goes through the same stuff i do in varying proportions and everyone that i know from here has lived through them in one way or the other. I have learnt that mess ups are real and common,yet never forgetting the fact that we are simply human.I have learnt the need for forgiveness and the need to repent when wrong.

With you i have come to understand the true depth of love that cuts across sharing,caring,understanding,forgiving and not being judgemental. Understanding that people do respond to openness, sincerity and genuiness and that the strength of one's character is duly displayed in adversity.

With you my self esteem that has been ripped to shreds has been boosted, i have earned a sense of belonging in your presence.I have come to understand through you that true joy and fulfillment can only be found being in the centre of God's divine purposes.Landing right smack dab in the middle of his will.

With you i have learnt the true meaning of being a whole, strong and settled woman.Who doesn't have to wait around for prince charming to make life happen for her.I have come to understand what it means to be quite a catch.

I could go on forever stating the things i have learnt knowing you, but i am leaving the rest for you to decide for yourselves....which is to say..what have u learnt from blogsville?

Its been a short journey, but it has been tremendously blissful,fulfilling and satisfying in all ramifications and i have enjoyed everybit of it. Here i am living on a new level..no more mediocrity. I am useful here..my skills are being to put to the test here...the sweet refiners fire.

The "you" that i refer to are the consistent,ardent,ever faithful bloggers on blogsville. I dedicate this post to you all for your drive and zeal to being yourselves and giving room for others to grow and learn through you ever flowing words of encouragement.

We might be from different families,ethnic groups,backgrounds,living in different continents of the world,but ...we are all the same...one family, one blogsville blood flows through us all. We have been made for ourselves. You for me and I for you.

With all my love to the Blogsville Family(not community).

I dedicate this song to you all

Right Here Video

Interesting..I mean very Interesting

In the  last four days i have been wondering what my next post will be.I guess now i know where to start from.

Today, I got an award from EROLyrics. Isn't she just sweet.I am honored,flattered and ecstatic. I didn't know that being myself could earn me this. You made my day very special and i am very thankful.

To EROLyrics..u are a source of inspiration. I wake up each day looking forward to hearing from you, waiting earnestly to know wasap next.You have honored me today.God in HIS infinite mercies will continue to honor you too. I will never forget you.Its been a short while for me here on blogsville,yet knowing you has made me better than i used to be.

And to everyone who has visited,commented,yabbed and sent sweet things to me..God bless ya'll.

I however dedicate and pass on this same award that has been aloted to me to: 

      Tadddaaaa!!!..."Certified Honest Blogger"

Drum roll please....

Free Flowing Florida  .... my one and only.

miss definitely maybe ....ever interesting and inspiring

tigeress .... that's mi girl

parakeet ... i am speechless. u rock!

emilia  ..u're a true diva

Funms .... very cool babe

Afrobabe ... ehn gba!

ibiluv     .. honesty in person...u so deserve the award

enigma   ..man u too much

ladyguide .... he caressed me

Shubby doo .... loving ur blog

greyamethyst ....love ur openness

baroque  .... truly unorthodox decorum

jarrai ... sweet bella

originalmgbeke .... 3 exes and a wedding..thats something.

There are a whole list of blogs that deserve this award and i could go on and on.I am loving this peeps...they make blogsville a wonderful place to be at.

P.S*

The Rules:
1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.
2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing that they have received an award
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5. And then pass it on!

Please Help!

Some things, yes are so tinzy winzy that you'd expect that one should know by now...but sometimes you just need to hear other people's take, say or words on the matter, for clarity sake and just to know.

I said sometime a while ago that i met someone,....we hit it off almost immediately.Considering my stuck up self, i was amazed at the way things went.Passions and emotions were flying around so quickly...so much so that after a week of our meeting...(shamefully speaking) we had sex. It was wonderful..i couldnt believe myself letting go like that but the whole experience for me was interesting.

Its been a month since the encounter of sheet rumbling...we've been talking but no show....by me that feels good,there's no pressure and it gives me a certain assurance that it wasn't all about sex.

Well right now, i am beginning to have doubts....y!....he sent me a message less than an hour ago asking if i was up for "HARD SEX" this weekend....i went blank for a few minutes...infact i didn't feel like replying...i kinda felt upset...he replied again and asked for my response..i still didnt let up..then he said bye..with an emoticon sticking out its tongue....

The first thoughts that swept thru me...was that he was the same as every other man i had met.

I really like this guy...infact he makes me feel like some men are different..but this just blew me...

Am i overreacting?....pls tell me..or is he just beginning to show his traits......Yikks!!!...I am in the running mood right about now....

Kai but i like him oh!!!!...P.S* I hope my family doesn't see this post...they will know i v been cutting corners....

The Cons of SOS'

I really thot deeply about this post, thot it would be helpful to share.....

Asking for help is psychologically risky because it triggers a mechanism in the human psyche called the norm of reciprocity. If you give me something—money, advice, time—I must give something to you that we tacitly agree is of roughly equal value. Otherwise we won't sustain an amicable bond for long. Only the churlish keep score overtly, of course, but even generous people get uneasy when one party in a relationship takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return.

1. Frame all your problems as how-to questions
Simply begging for aid when you feel overwhelmed is likely to make honest folks back away, while exploiters smell blood in the water. Instead, you might do better to phrase all your problems as "how" questions: "How do I break through the glass ceiling in this company?" "How should I go about changing this flat tire?" "How can I help cure AIDS?" Whether your problem is tiny or monumental, asking "How…?" means you're a capable person in the process of becoming even more capable—not a charity case or a manipulator's mark.
The more actively you pursue the knowledge and skills to extricate yourself from a mess, the more new sources you'll locate.

2. Locate sources of information and insight
The more specific your how-to questions, the more quickly they'll lead to useful strategies or solutions from individuals, books, TV shows, Web sites and a thousand sources you won't even notice until your attention is primed. As New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman (among others) has pointed out, the accessibility of information has exploded so dramatically over the past few decades that humble individuals can now solve problems and perform feats once reserved for a few elite experts.

"To paraphrase the adage: If you wheedle a fish from someone, you'll eat for a day; if you wheedle advice from a great fisherman, you'll eat for a lifetime."

3. Take fishing lessons
The key here is that you're soliciting help that won't diminish the resources of the other person. Each person's supply of "fish" (funding, energy, time) is limited, but fishing know-how can be replicated infinitely, at negligible cost. Even if you're going with a money problem to your filthy rich uncle, ask for education, not a handout. "Please give me money" is a self-disempowering request. "Please show me how to resolve this financial muddle" is a self-empowering one, even if Uncle Buckmeister also pitches in with a cash donation (which he's much more likely to do for a determined problem-solver than a simple beggar).
If you honestly set out to learn how to untangle your own snafus, you'll find that even people who shy away from raw neediness start offering advice.

4. Receive with gratitude, not grasping
Whether you've asked for it or not, help that's given freely is part of grace, meaning that the only response necessary to satisfy the norm of reciprocity is gratitude. And what I mean by gratitude is not "Thanks…and what else can you do for me?" Grasping at help like a drowning swimmer tends to scare away the resources you've already got, as well as potential assistance.

!!!...Notes

According to a new blog site i found today...www.theparakeet.blogspot.com which states "EVERYTHING COMES INTO THEIR OWN IN THE FULLNESS OF TIME". I have not only resolved to wait patiently, hold steadfastly,believe endlessly, but also to place this is as a reminder, such that when the fullness of my time appears i would know how to rejoice, and place a hold on where i had been.

In the fullness of time, i am too sure i will meet the man for me..who will not only love me for what i look like, but accept my flaws,live with them and not be stirred by my imperfections.

In the fullness of time, i will also rejoice over that desired job and accordingly give thanks to the Almighty for helping me learn the true meaning of waiting on Him.

Everything i have xperienced till now has been shadows...the best i must say is yet to come.Everyone has their time...i wait resolutely, thankfully, acquiring all that needs acquiring while i wait, fighting the need to give up, yet waiting.

Turn by turn.....i am moving forward.....

When a man loves a woman

Correct me if i am wrong, but when a man loves a woman i think this is what he'll do for her.

His mind is on her. He is consumed with thoughts of protection and provision. He pays close attention to her every word, her wants and desires. He looks for ways to please her, to lavish gifts upon her. If he truly cares about her, he won’t hold back materially…he’ll create little ways, find avenues to meet her needs.

When a man loves a woman he longs to be near her. Nothing else in his day to day life can come close to matching the memory of his time spent with her. He loves the sound of her laughter, the beauty of her smile. He is fascinated with her fluidity and entire personality.

Try to stand in the path of a man who truly loves his woman. Try to separate him from her. Try to keep them apart and you will experience the dedication, the drive, the sheer unrelenting force of his will power. He will move a city to get to her. He will leave everything behind and pursue her with a passion that has little or no regard for others. If you stand in his way he will punish you. You will quickly come to understand the consequences of blocking the path of a man who loves a woman.

When a man loves a woman his heart beats faster when he is with her. Emotions surface that he has no words for. At the mere sound of her voice, butterflies flutter in his chest and belly. 

When a man truly loves a woman, she knows she has been loved. Her body reacts to his slightest touch. Her ears can locate the sound of his whisper in a crowded room. She feels safe in his arms, secure in his presence. She has a peace in her mind when chaos surrounds her. She is confident that the determination and strength of Hercules is at her side.

When a man loves a woman, she is rest assured that he is a fortress for their home.
Sometimes a woman has a tainted past. Do you think he is concerned about the past? He is in love with her. His love for her covers her imperfections. He hopes the very best for her. He can leave her a gift on her pillow for no apparent reason other than to make her smile. He sees the good qualities in her and is blind to anything else.

When a man loves a woman he calls her on the phone in the middle of the day, just to hear her voice. He stops at the store and searches out the things she enjoys. He may not understand why she likes sweets and flowers and silk and delicate things. He may not understand how she finds beauty in jewelry and diamonds. It doesn't matter. He is on a mission. He brings these things to her because he loves her. 
Do you know how far a man will travel who loves a woman? Are you aware of the pain he will endure to reach her? Here is your answer. When a man loves a woman there is no limit to the distance he will go. There is no end to the struggle he will overcome to get to her. A man who loves a woman knows no pain too great. He will shed his blood for her; an adversary or his own, it is of no consequence.

When a woman has been loved by a man, she will know it. There is no mistaking this power with lust or ambition. She will know it and the world around her will know it. Look into her eyes, the evidence is there. You can see it in the way she longs for his touch and no other. If you are in doubt she will tell you quickly, "This is my man, my Prince, my Knight!" 

This should help you know, whether he’s stringing you along or deeply committed to you. Any relationship in my opinion that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable, or that you have to work for, is too expensive.

Question?

Having spent 26+ years without a stable boyfriend...would it be advisable to jump ship and date anyone, just to avoid the alone times????

Deep Feelings

I knew i had to endure, i knew i had to exercise my ability to bear prolonged exertion, pain and hardship despite the present looming circumstance around me to get ahead. For a full week i couldn't do what i had come to love...blogging because i was weighed down immensely.

In my consistent attempt to be the best i can be, be fulfilled and be deeply rooted and satisfied in my niche, the road has been tumultous, frustrating and depressing.Searching intently for my place, where i wouldn't just be one, a regular in the crowd. Deep within my heart, there's an assurance it would be okay, but the ever nagging and present reality sends bolts that are sufficient to wobble the knees.

I need to stay motivated, be confident and reassured resolutely that everything would be alrite.Waiting as it is known is usually worthwhile in the end, but the distance between the beginning and the end is never easy, whether one is waiting for a job, a result, or a phone call.

In the midst of my wait, as the storms begin to rage, my desire to remain grateful begins to wane.My heart wants to remain thankful but my flesh questions the need to be, seeing that things aren't going very well. While i dilly dallied between my decision on gratitude, i stumbled upon what helped....

In everything give thanks..."before now i had wondered how one could give thanks  when everything looked bleak with no hope in sight.But then realised the scripture did not say, for everything but in everything.And why? ...To keep me motivated, inspite of setbacks. Now my gratitude not only keeps me alive but makes me wiser, helping me see beyond where i am. Gratitude according to Melanie Beattie unlocks the fullness of life, turns what we have to enough, and more, turns chaos into order, confusion to clarity, the unexpected to perfect timing and mistakes into important events.

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates vision for tomorrow.

Stand Up concert +VMA Highlights

 Singers Pose withL.A Reid and Kenny "Babyface" Edmond.

Hollywood on Friday the 5th of September,2008 stood up against cancer in the much awaited Stand Up to cancer concert. The event attracted various celebs from christina applegate, christina ricci, sheryl crom,david cook,keanu reaves and many more....

The picture below features the top female singers that sang the su2c anthem...just stand up.From L-R, Keiysha cole, Leona Lewis, Fergie,Ciara,Mariah Carey, Beyonce,Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Carrie Underwood,Miley Cyrus,Ashanti, Natasha Bedingfield and Nicole Scherzinger(who by the way is an addition, cos am not sure she sang with them)...

Missing in the list is Sheryl crow...i guess she was busy on the red carpet..., Leann Rimes and Melissa Etheridge...dunno where those ones disappeared to..

        

MTV 2008 VMA HIGHLIGHTS

BEST FEMALE VIDEO
Britney Spears, "Piece of Me"
BEST MALE VIDEO
Chris Brown, "With You"
BEST DANCING IN A VIDEO
Pussycat Dolls, "When I Grow Up"
BEST ROCK VIDEO
Linkin Park, "Shadow of the Day"
BEST HIP HOP VIDEO
Lil Wayne, "Lollipop"
BEST NEW ARTIST
Tokio Hotel, "Ready, Set, Go!"
BEST POP VIDEO
Britney Spears, "Piece of Me"
VIDEO OF THE YEAR
Britney Spears, "Piece of Me"
BEST ART DIRECTION
Gnarls Barkley "Run"
BEST CHOREOGRAPHY
Gnarls Barkley "Run"
BEST DIRECTION
Erykah Badu "Honey"
BEST EDITING
Death Cab For Cutie "I Will Possess Your Heart"
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
White Stripes "Conquest"
BEST SPECIAL FX
Kanye West and T-Pain "Good Life."

  

Rihanna going goth with disturbia, Solange Knowles looking chic, Britney spears esctatic, ciara uhmmming.

  

 Paris Hilton &Benji..can she miss it!Naaah, Keri Hilson, Kanye West

  

Mel B, Jordin Sparks, Nicole Scherzinger

 

 Rihanna and Chris Brown ....Lovers in tow(Don't they just look cute together.

    

Unmistakable T-pain, Cute & Rugged Bleu Corbin, Miley Cyrus, Michael Phelps

 
Pink strutting her white hair, christina looking really boobyyyy

Why do we cheat?

I spent the better part of last week wondering why we do the above....the question that made me ponder the most was what cheating in itself constituted...would it be being physically intimate alone with another person's partner, having inordinate emotional feelings that constitutes cheating or are there other acts that makes one a cheater.

Uhmmm.....i am just wondering....I asked a couple of people what it meant to cheat...got some answers...still wasn't sufficient to numb my curiosity, so i went in search again...Was my curiosity satisfied....i'll be waiting on your response to decipher that.

Different people have different views as to what constitutes ‘cheating’. For some(gender irrespective) , for the partner simply to look at another  may be regarded as cheating, for others it is being intimate with another person that constitutes ‘cheating, and there are some who appear able to accept flirting and even intimacy with another person but it is an emotional involvement that constitutes ‘cheating’.
So let us try first to establish what is ‘cheating’ and what might be considered ‘normal’ behaviour. First of all, there needs to be some degree of commitment and exclusivity between the two partners, furthermore, this commitment needs to be understood and agreed by both people. Without this there can be little question of ‘cheating’ on behalf of either party.
Obviously, marriage, engagement, living together would constitute a degree of commitment. Regularly dating for a period, may also be seen as constituting a commitment. It is here that the confusion starts to arise for a man may not feel he is committed to another person until he has said so to her, for the woman the simple fact that he dates her regularly may be seen as a sign of commitment.

Having gotten that out of the way, the usual glib answer gotten for cheating is because "they can"...but is this answer justifiable or satisfactory.....i guess not!Men and women have various reasons why they cheat and yes of course, we women sabi cheat well well!!...(that is if i am following the above definition).

To some men, having many partners is seen as a symbol of their status,a need to boost their ego or esteem.The motivation is usually sex - new sex, more sex,different sex-(newness and variety).Studies show most men who cheat want to experiment sexually and experience the rush associated with "new sex". It is said that it is their way of prolonging indefinitely the early and intoxicating phase of infatuation in a relationship. Others believe men have affairs to avoid intimacy, recover their lost youth, or escape an unhappy marriage.

Men who fear intimacy will have affairs to maintain power in their relationships. If a man doesn't commit to his lover, he controls his level of vulnerability. Some men cheat in fact to avoid any real intimacy. Intimacy scares them, so they distance themselves from their partners by cheating on them and they don’t get emotionally involved with their lovers. This way they never have to trust their partners or rely on them. This kind of man may also fear conflict.
Then there are men who will strike up an affair when they start to feel the fear and loss that comes with aging. They realize they are no longer young and invulnerable, so they have an affair to deny that they are getting old. Finding someone who is “young and new,” makes them feel more youthful and in the game.(Whatever that is!).

Women on the other are not at all left out.As supposed to men, women are motivated to cheat by more emotional factors than men. Women are really looking for communication and emotional intimacy in the new bond.They want to talk to someone who makes them feel important, cared for, secure and understood.The search for feeling sexy, playful and less sexually inhibited may also be a start of an affair for a woman.While sex does happen, sharing confidences ranks high in importance.

I am too sure a lot of us will say that none of these reasons are justifiable.Whether it is boredom, search for self-esteem,pain that relationships bring,newness and variety, whatever....so has this article answered the thorny question of why we cheat?Probably not!.This question in itself is a very complex one and the reasons or causes will vary from instance to instance.

Share your views and experiences, if you're a cheater or you've been cheated on....i really would like to hear from you.

Swazi King's Quest for the 14th bride---some serious stuff!

Swaziland's King Mswati III on Thursday sent more than 50 000 virgin girls into the fields to cut reed for an annual ritual next week at which he may choose his 14th bride.
The ceremony on Monday comes ahead of controversial double celebrations to mark the impoverished kingdom's 40 years of independence from Britain and Mswati's 40th birthday on 6 September.
"Since you know that the country is faced with these major activities, I urge you to behave yourselves and make sure that you display respect so that tourists would return to the country," the Queen mother, Ntombi Twala, told the girls.
The girls were sent to two locations to cut reeds to be used in the annual Reed Dance ceremony at Ludzidzini royal palace near the capital Mbabane.
The age-old reed dance is aimed at encouraging young women to preserve their purity and abstain from sexual activity before marriage.
But the ceremony has seemingly failed to make an impression on the scourge of HIV/Aids in a country where close to 40 percent of the adult population of one million are infected with the virus, according to a UN report.
The dance spectacle is characterized by bare-breasted maidens, clad in colourful short skirts or sarongs. The king, who has 13 wives, may choose a new bride among the young girls.
The king and eight of his wives returned last week from a controversial Middle East shopping trip in preparation for the so called 40-40 celebrations.
The trip attracted unprecedented condemnation from women’s' groups, political parties and civil society groups.






Bare breasted Virgins compete for Swazi king
LUDZIDZINI ROYAL VILLAGE, Swaziland experienced how Tens of thousands of bare-breasted virgins competed for King Mswati III's eye in a traditional Reed Dance.
Walking through the dense crowds in a leopard skin loin cloth, Sub-Saharan Africa's last absolute monarch was expected to choose his 14th wife.
Critics say Mswati, who has courted controversy for his lavish lifestyle while two thirds of his subjects live in poverty, sets a bad example by encouraging polygamy and teenage sex in a country where about 40 percent of adults live with HIV.
Some of the women did not seem to mind, hoping to escape from the southern African nation's hardships for the easy life.
"I came here to dance. I wish the king would have chosen me because it's nice at the king's place. The wives live a nice life," said Tenene Dlamini, 16, in a traditional brown skirt.
"Everything is done for them. They don't work. They earn."
The Reed Dance has been a big date on the Swaziland cultural calendar since Mswati began the ceremony in 1999.
But he may not be as relaxed this year among the throngs of young half-naked women.
Political groups seeking democratic reforms have become more active in a country where the opposition has been effectively banned since 1973 by royal decree.
They are critical of plans to hold next weekend's celebrations of the king's 40th birthday in conjunction with the 40th anniversary of Swaziland's independence from Britain.
Still, some of Swaziland's women came to the Ludzidzini Royal Village to show their admiration for the monarch.
"I respect the king and I respect my culture," said Nontobeko Sdidlamini, 16, carrying a shield made of animal skin and wearing an orange bracelet which read "Sex Can Wait".
Some said they would not want to be part of a polygamous arrangement with the king and were taking part in the ceremony to prove their virginity. Others fear they lost out.
"My sister is the king's tenth wife. I don't think he can choose me because he has already chosen my sister," said Zandisile Ntentesa, a 21-year-old prison employee.
The king, flanked by bodyguards with pistols and sticks, may face pressure from emboldened critics. But he can take comfort from the wealth which wins him tributes and songs at the reed ceremony.

Last month, Forbes magazine listed him as the 15th-richest monarch in the world. He was the only African on the list.
During the reed festivities, one of the king's wives drove up in a fancy BMW. Policemen told people to look the other way.

In Pursuit of Happiness

With all due respect to brownsistas.com, i knew I had to do this article. Two days ago on my facebook account I said I was in pursuit of happiness. The motivation behind the statement was the fact that I needed to find the ultimate goal of being happy. I asked myself if getting married, getting a new six figure income job, travelling the world or dating the most eligibly rich dude in town would culminate in truly being happy. I realized my fears resurfaced every time I thought about maybe after a while after getting all of these supposed happiness triggers, I would still be unsatisfied.

“One of my greatest fears is not being able to be all I am made to be.”

Where I am today is a function of the decision I made yesterday. My financial, emotional, career state right now is simply because of the path I chose yesterday. The thought of this sent shivers down my spine. The fear derived from this knowledge energized me and caused me to think.

Have I made mistakes?, Yes!..Are my mistakes responsible for where I am today? Most certainly!...Can I get out of this rot? Most definitely..If I want to!...Isn’t it too late? Absolutely not!...How can I get out of this?...the last question here leads me back to the article I read on brownsistas.com on Rinse and Repeat….check excerpts of it below.

The Wet Mop Syndrome: A condition of mind rot where some people believe that person’s outside of themselves are responsible for their unhappiness. Usually the wet mopper converses with other wet moppers or other sounding boards to get their endless points across. Synonyms for wet moppers are: blame shifters, consistent complainers, gripers, and unfounded scathing criticism.

Making reference to the ones that are most important to me, I chose the following questions in finding answers to getting out of the mistakes I had made.

- How many opportunities have I blown simply because I was not prepared for them?
- How many years am I willing to wait before I take action?
- Will blaming others get me what I want? Or will it keep me right where I’m at?

Brown Sista Lifestyle Writer GT tells me that I could have all the reasons in the world why i can’t have, do or be what I want. But when the smoke clears, and life progresses on, I will be the one who feels the rub of my own inactions.

From the above, I learnt I had to change my thoughts to change my life. It’s never too late to begin. Opportunities are abounding every day, it is the ability to choose correctly the risks I take that would make a world of difference in me. I don’t have to wait till tomorrow to make a difference when I have today…I guess that means I need to start from exactly where I am and most importantly, be absolutely responsible for myself..no one is going to do for me what i need and must do for myself.

Brownsista says, when in need…Rinse and Repeat those questions as often as necessary.

Which of the questions rings for you?

Where's Brandy? + Mallinda Williams gets married

     

                                                                     
   
                                                                            
It’s been nearly four years since Brandy last released a video but that is all about to change as the singer/actress was spotted out on the streets of Los Angeles earlier this week taping the new video for her single, Right Here (Departed). Brandy says her CD is an unadulterated look into her heart and her most personal album to date. “I have grown so much since my last album. Being able to express myself and my journey through my music is a feeling I can’t describe. With this new chapter of my life it feels good to have Rodney (Darkchild), a familiar face, by my side again. He brings out emotions in me like nobody else.” The new album, recently renamed “Human”, will be released November 11th via Epic Records and the Right Here video is scheduled to debut early September via Yahoo Music.


On Saturday, August 23, actress Malinda Williams and former rapper and present celebrity deejay Derrick “D-Nice” Jones, wed in a quaint ceremony at The Mezzanine in Newark, New Jersey.
        

All credits to http://brownsistas.com

Just Stand up

Heard this song on the radio while prepping for work today...wasn't in a fantastic mood...rather in a throdding one.The song sunk real deep...so the first thing i did as i got to work was to find it on the internet, which of course i did.

It involves some of America's music’s biggest female singers coming together to record a song in support of cancer research. “Just Stand Up”, features vocals from singers Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Beyonce, Keyshia Cole, and many others. The single should officially hit radio and be available for download on iTunes September 2nd, however, obviously there's already a leak on the single.

All the ladies who participated in the making of this single will also come together September 5th to perform the song live during the “Stand Up To Cancer”.




The Lyrics:

Beyonce: The heart is stronger than you think
It’s like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though

Carrie underwood: Sometimes you want to run away
Ain’t got the patience for the pain
And if you don’t believe it look into
your heart the beat goes on

Rihanna: I’m tellin’ you that
Things get better
Through whatever
If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up

Sheryl crow: Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle

Beyonce: You need to know

CHORUS

Sheryl crow: If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up

Sheryl/Beyonce: Who are we to be
questioning, wondering what is what
Don’t give up
THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!

Fergie: It’s like we all have better days
Problems getting all up in your face

Leona Lewis: Just because you go through it

Fergie: Don’t mean it got to take control, no

Leona lewis: You ain’t gotta find no hiding place

Keyshia cole: Because the heart can beat the hate

Leona lewis: Don’t wanna let your mind keep playin’ you

Keyshia cole: And sayin’ you can’t go on

Rihanna: I’m tellin’ you that

Miley cyrus: Things get better
Through whatever

Rihanna: If you fall

Miley cyrus: Dust if off, don’t let up

LeAnn Rimes: Don’t you know you

Natasha Bedingfield: Can go

LeAnn Rimes: Be your own

Natasha Bedingfield: Miracle

Carrie Underwood: You need to know

Ensemble: CHORUS

Mary J.Blige: You don’t gotta be a prisoner in your mind

Ciara: If you fall, dust it off

Mary J. Blige: You can live your life

Rihanna/Carrie Underwood: Yeah

Mary J. Blige: Let your heart be your guide

Rihanna/Carrie Underwood: Yeah yeah yeah

Mariah Carey: And you will know that you’re good if you trust in the good

Ashanti: Everything will be alright, yeah
Light up the dark, if you follow your heart

Mary J.Blige: And it will get better

Mariah Carey: Through whatever

CHORUS

Fergie: You got it in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
Find it within you, find it within

Everyone: THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!

How Soon is too soon? - S.E.X

I spoke with a friend recently who happened to have met someone she kinda liked,feeling was mutual,the chemistry was intense, passion was unmistakable and guess what they had sex after one week. She has since been freakin out, not sure if he'd see her the way he saw her before.Phone calls have been exchanged afterwards but she still feels its not sufficient.

Her question?...Have i shot myself in the leg?...Have i destroyed the chances of having a meaningful relationship with this person?...Will he ever respect me as i would love to be respected?....Plenty..plenty questions...

As usual, went hunting...found Venus and Mars opinions on the matter, thot to share. If the subject topic matters to you, you are very free to share your onions too!



How do you think men feel about women who sleep with them on the first or second date? Does it affect whether they see you as a potential long-term girlfriend?

Rachel: It doesn’t matter if you sleep with a man on the first date or the 20th—if he really likes you, it won’t make a difference. But if you’re not sure and want to test how he feels about you, hold off. If he’s willing to stick around for a few dates and not pressure you, fine
If you don’t sleep with him either and don’t hear back from him, then you know exactly where his intentions were.

Cate: If you sleep with a guy too soon, you completely remove the mystique. I’m not advocating game-playing, but even the nicest guy will lose interest if you sleep with him quickly. If you give him access to everything right off the bat, there is nothing to work toward or look forward to. You’ve gotta strike a balance and give him a reason to call you!

Lisa: In my experience, you pretty much blow your chances of a relationship if you sleep with him too early because you’re fast-tracking dating to an awkward stage. It’s kinda serious because you’ve seen each other naked, but how serious can it really be if you barely know each other? It’s better to spend lots of time together before taking it to that level. What’s the rush?

Do you make a point of holding off on sleeping with a guy too early? How do men react to your decision?

Rachel: The last guy I really liked wanted me to go home with him after our first meeting. I said, “Not tonight,” and never heard from him again. Clearly he was just interested in sex, and I’m glad I found that out before things went further.

Cate: I always wait until we’ve spent a substantial amount of time together to gauge what the guy is like and how we mesh. It’s better to hold off a bit so you don’t discover something horrible about him after you’ve already had sex. But if you wait too long, you get into this weird friend territory. The guys I’ve dated have been cool with waiting. In fact, it’s even more fun for them because they can pursue you.

Lisa: I don’t want to sleep with anyone until we’ve established mutual trust, and that feeling takes time to develop. Most guys are OK with waiting until we get to know each other, but others aren’t. I’m pretty upfront about my decision, which helps me weed out the men who are only interested in sex.

Do you think women who make men wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?

Rachel: No. Women who have no problem making men wait may also not have a high sex drive and that doesn’t lend well to the long-term either.

Cate: I don’t think so, but I do think they end up being smarter about relationships and ultimately with better quality men because they got to know the guy, so sex was an informed decision, versus sleeping with him too soon, then finding out he’s a jerk.

Lisa: I think so. If you ultimately end up with the guy, it’s something you worked toward. You waited to get what you wanted, and that speaks to your dedication to relationships.

What is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?

Rachel: There’s no set time limit. Until both parties are comfortable with the idea and the act.

Cate: Wait a month, so you get to know each other. Or at least a handful of dates—say, five.

Lisa: You should wait until trust has been established. That usually takes a few months, until you’ve had some deep conversations or have met each other’s friends. The longer you wait, the more gratifying the sex will be.

If you do end up falling in bed with a guy pretty quickly but you want a serious relationship, are there things you can do to pave the way toward a longer relationship?

Rachel: No, you just have to feel it out and see what kind of response you get from him. If he calls you soon after and wants to get together, then go for it.

Cate: Afterwards, engage him with your mind. Make him want more time with you. Show him who you are, and don’t let him assume that sex will always be on the menu by planning activities during the day or with friends. You can still have sex, but play it cool. Show him that you’re interested in a relationship by letting him into your life.

Lisa: Tell him that you’d like to get to know each other more and hold off from having sex again for a while, so he doesn’t think that’s all your relationship will ever be.



Q: What do you think about women who sleep with you on the first or second date—does it impact whether you see her as a potential long-term girlfriend?

Jack (40 years old, divorced): Though the answer will no doubt send ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the female species, I don’t view the timing of the first occurrence of sex with a woman as an indicator of anything. Never.

Stan (35, never married): If a girl slept with me that quickly, I would consider it a deal-breaker. Men are wired to want to sleep with others more quickly because of instant gratification. But if a woman had that little self-control, it would not bode well for the future.

Alec (50, never married): In my mind, it doesn't make a difference—as long as the woman understands that just because she slept with me, it doesn't mean the rest of the relationship is also moving quickly. But I will say, it does sort of put pressure on the situation when you sleep together so quickly. It makes the getting-to-know-you part tougher. One or both of you may have expectations of what the next date will be like. For example, if you sleep over, what happens when one doesn't want to sleep over the next time? Does the other feel slighted? Does it mean every date is a sleepover, and if it’s not that you're regressing? It makes things tougher.


Q: Are there cases where you do sleep with a woman early on, but are still open to a serious relationship with her—say, if the sex is great, or you two really hit it off during brunch the next day, or she's friends of friends?

Jack: Sure. Great sex only makes us want to be with you more. And if we hit it off after sex over brunch the next day, we consider it a win. Her being friends of friends has nothing to do with it; it’s a non-issue. In fact, if I don't like her and she is a friend of a friend, I have to drop the blade sooner or the blow-back will be worse.

Stan: I think no, I would not be open to it. There was one girl I slept with on the first date, and we ended up having a relationship, but it was a woman I’d known and worked with for four months. But if it's someone you just met and you slept with on the first date, there'd be no recovery from that. And I don't think a woman should want to date a man who wanted to sleep with her on the first date. I don't even try to sleep with women on the first date anymore.

Alec: This question is based on the idea that if you sleep together early on, you're already thinking it will not be serious. So, in my mind, any man who rules out a woman who slept with him early on—well, he isn't being very serious about finding a long-term relationship in the first place.

Q: In your experience, do you think women who make you wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?

Stan: I think they do make better potential long-term partners. As I've gotten older, I have realized there should be something sacred, private, and intimate about sex between two people. It's a revelation and a sharing. I don't think I would want to be with someone who's so willing to share herself with others. I want someone who's going to honor that aspect of herself and only share herself when it's really appropriate.

Alec: Probably, yes. But it doesn't work too well if she's totally withholding physically early on. She needs to let you know she is receptive to sex with you and is holding off not because of lack of desire, but because she wants to get to know you more.

Jack: I disagree—in my mind, a woman who "makes you wait" is treating sex as a commodity. She’s trying to, as Pat Benatar once said, "use sex as a weapon" and trying to manipulate the outcome of the new relationship. If she feels the strength of a long-term relationship is contingent on when she "gave it up," she needs to get in her time machine and leave the year 1952—which she’s obviously stuck in—immediately. As soon as she places such a high value on sex, she devalues the other, more lasting
components of a successful long-term relationship.
“As I've gotten older, I’ve realized there should be something sacred about sex between two people.”


Q: What, in your mind, is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?

Jack: From the first date onward…

Stan: Probably three weeks to a few months. In this day and age, people are quick to make sex part of a relationship. It's unrealistic to think you can be dating someone four months without sex. So, a few weeks to a few months.

Alec: Maybe five, six dates. But it's very hard to make a rule for it. If there were rules about this stuff, it would be so much easier. I think it's best if men and women talk about sleeping together and have some ease of communication established before they do the deed. Let's face it, having sex changes the dynamics of a relationship.

Q: If a woman does end up falling in bed with you pretty quickly, are there things she can do to pave the way toward a longer relationship?

Jack: Yes. Don't suddenly start withholding sex to "slow things down”. You want to have less sex or at least balance it with public, social interaction? Fine. We're all for that. But we can't undo the fact we had sex. Was it fun? Great, let's do it again.

Stan: I think yes, if she convinces you that you're special and that she doesn't do this very often or hardly at all, if you feel there was something special between the two of you, then I think that would pave the way toward potentially overcoming that obstacle, if you will.

Alec: She should play it cool after the first time. If she sleeps with a guy early, then is a little evasive, it will drive him crazy and he’ll chase her more. This is the dirty little secret. If you tell women this, they will torture us forever.

This wan na oyinbo talk...i am doing a research on how a naija man and woman would view the issue.