Sunday, December 14, 2008

In the last couple of weeks I have been exceedingly happy and worried at the same time. Time spent away from my blog has been really and truly painful. Every single day I had thought about fulfilling obligation to my blog but I just couldn’t find the time.
This place is my refuge, my quiet and true place of solace and for a while now I have been thinking of making this post but in honesty I feared your judgments, yet I expect so much response from you all.
I would like to share a secret with you all; to some it might be a great shock to others a regular life experience, but right now I just wanted to vent.
On the 4th of November, a tall handsome man walked into my life. I didn’t think much of anything as regards the relationship, I just wanted it to take a natural course and of course it did. I have enjoyed the bliss of being in a relationship, there have been no hassles, and things have been totally wonderful. Added to the resume is the envy and constant bicker I get from colleagues as regards my catch.
We go everywhere together; spend all the available time together. He even follows me to the salon. The Toll of events got me thinking I had found my own.
Less than three weeks in the relationship he kept on insisting he wanted to meet my family. I was concerned because meeting the family meant a great deal to the relationship, to me it signified he wanted more than a casual relationship. I shoved the issue several times to be exactly sure he knew what he was up against, but he still didn’t budge. So obviously I gave in and introduced him to my family. My mother was excited, yet I was cautious seeing this was the first man I was introducing to her as the one I was dating.
He repped well and I couldn’t be happier with him.
Now this is where the worrisome part comes in!
He never lied to me about anything or let me correct myself I have never caught him in a lie. He told me he was married with three kids. In fairness to God by the time he told me, I was already caught up and totally into him.
I have tried to leave him twice and on each count he has asked me to be patient that with time he would tell me the entire truth. Deep within me I knew there was more, oh a lot more he wasn’t telling me but I wanted him to come to telling me himself without me putting pressure on him. We spend our entire weekends together and each time I keep pushing him to call home, but he just never does, he keeps giving excuses and postponing when to call. He just got a place and I literally helped him move in and settle down.
So on a certain Friday, he was travelling to Lagos, and after we were done packing he said he had something to tell me and that it was important. I froze in fear not sure what to expect but yet expecting anything could happen. He said to me and I quote that he was having problems at home. Out of fear almost immediately I stopped him from speaking and told we would talk about it once he returned.
He came back a couple of days later and we got talking. He told me he was in the middle of a divorce. He said that I should have noticed there was problem because he never spoke about her, never calls except when he wants to talk to the kids, neither has she bothered to come see him after he moved to the new place.
He also told me that to what purpose would he want to meet my family if he wasn’t taking me seriously.
Believe me all when I say I still have head squared absolutely on my shoulder. People call me pessimistic because to whatever I do I try to vary the cons more than the pros. I have carefully thought about everything and truthfully I would love to put my eggs in one basket with me.
I have written about dating a married man and I frankly feel weird being in the midst of this whole saga.
At this stage I am in I need of all the advice I can get. Have I gone far ahead of myself? Truthfully I have single men in tow but I just can’t shake off why I chose him over them all.
Asides from the fact that I have been really into work; this has been my extra curricular activities.

36 comments:

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Girl only you know whats the best thing to do.
But i would exercise great caution (emphasis on great)
Its a well known married man line 'Im having problems with my wife' or 'I am going through a divorce'
99% of married men never leave thier wives coz they can have their cake and eat it two. Kinda like having the best of both worlds. Their wives at home and a girlfriend in their bed.
Ask him to put his money where his mouth is i.e regulary update you on how the 'divorce' is going have they gone to court? blah blah blah.
Most of this married man ish ends in serious wahala. So just be careful as you try and follow your heart.

~Sirius~ said...

You might be confused on the surface, but deep inside of you, your heart and head know the truth.......whatever you do, be careful and weigh your options for the best end result you can get.

Rita said...

Red Sapphire, is he truly what you want for yourself? Is he the man of your dreams?

For the first time I'd not sympathise with you on an issue. I'd simply tell you to walk away. He is a married man. He has a covenant and a vow with some other woman, which no one should put asunder. You dont want to be seen as someone who broke their relationship (which may be broken even before you came in).

If he is serious and the reason why he wants to leave his wife is for justifiable reasons (for example she committed adultery and the relationship cannot be worked out) then let him leave his wife and come to you as a single man. Do you know you are priceless?

Besides, you're going to get married soon. Imagine if that was your husband telling such lines to a girl outside.

Darling, there is nothing better than doing it right the first time. If he is the one, let it be done properly.

God just blessed you with an awesome job. He is not done with blessing you.

Rita said...

BTW, Welcome back. Missed you.

ShonaVixen said...

First and foremost 'Welcome Back', missed you hon.
Ok I agree with MDM in that you know alone know what's best and exercise extremely GREAT caution, coz gurl he might have no intention of leaving his wife and that apartment could just be his 'love-nest'. I won't play the role of judge/jury, but say to u hon, be very careful, because right now this relationship is being built on shaky grounds!So be certain that he really is getting a divorce!
Follow ur gut instinct and do what will make you really and truly happy, for thats the most important thing!!

Tigeress said...

waow! i'm not even sure i know what to say. But u've chosen him over the single guys becos married guy have a calming persona that single guys don't. There is this peaceful/ chilled thing about them- remember they have wife and kids. Single guys on the other.......'shake' too much. :)

Sit down and really think- i'm sure u'll agree with me that u've chosen wrong. A guy who totally neglects his family and spends so much time with a gf (even during his divorce) says alot about him. Plus to be honest- is he really getting a divorce? and even if he is- do u want to be the reason for him leaving his children?

To help you decide- i'd say u shld read the book of Proverbs.

My advice- END IT IMMEDIATELY!!! Except u feel that's what u deserve.

aloted said...

welcome back dear

hmm...u know deep down that this is wrong.....Rita has said it all...i couldnt have said it any better....

what is the guarantee he wont do the same to you..

as hard as it is...my precious one pls walk away. u deserve much more better than this. YOUR OWN MAN.

kk said...

From the way you write, it seems on the surface the relationship makes you happy but you aren't at peace with it.

He's carrying a lot of baggage to you and he needs to get his affairs in order (legally) if he's truly serious. He may be genuine but you don't want to be branded a scarlet woman so ideally the relationship should end now and let him sort out his affairs and deal with all the emotions that will result from his actions especially with his children andextended family. When his head is in a good place again then you can reassess if he's really what you want.

In this day and age meeting the parents does not carry the same significance it used to - it would have been more impressive if he'd told your family his situation when he met them.

You're a young lady so there's plenty of time to meet the man who is meant for you. Do not settle for a lifetime of anxiety and heartache.

LG said...

IT IS WELL

doll said...

I dunno knw what to say so I’l say just be careful. it would have been nicer if u could wait for his divorce to br thru before starting something with him (but it sounds like u are already deep necked in it). At the risk of sounding pessimistic….i have a friend who wasted 7 yrs of her life waiting for a man to be thru with his divorce (he never did divorce his wife)…where children are involved a reconciliation can take place anytime…and also u need to ask urself if u really want to (assuming all goes well and his divorce goes thru) be a 2nd wife to a man and step mom to his kids. I know that I sound terribly African but this tings require hard work, and its complicated.
Anyways a gd starting point will be a real discussion with him as regards what the issues in the marriage is and what he has done to resolve them before settling on a divorce, his chances of remarrying, his values, etc…all the best luv

Funms-the rebirth said...

u need a hug firstly so here u go.........BIG HUGS
glad to see u back. Pls be careful hon, is he being sincere with u? all i can say has been said in comments. just to add that u have to be sure ur ready to deal with him, kids and an ex wife if u guys end up together..... i cant judge cuz i know how love is, but r u sure he is definitely leaving his wife?

Lisa said...

Just going with what's in my heart...follow ur heart but think with ur head. Everyone has said what needs to be said. Will definitely keep u in my prayers!

Oyin said...

well I dont date married men cos I dont want anyone dating my man...but as you stated you didnt know and you were already hung up. Hes getting a divorce, and since hes so good to you, you took him to meet your family..then go for him. You might have hit a gold mine.....

Parakeet said...

Happy new year Red!

poeticallytinted said...

Happy New Year Babe. Wat's up with you? where are you?

About the guy.... errr. quite a lot of baggage there and doesn't he need to heal before getting into another serious relationship so fast? Dunno but... maybe you should slow things down a bit. No one has the right to tell you what to do but please guard your heart jealously. mwah!

doll said...

happy new yr

Tigeress said...

hey girl! Happy new year! How are things with u? update! :)

Dabizniz said...

If he is really serious he should leave. It hurts that someone can't come clean and break off a relationship before selling his heart to someone else.

I am living it and it hurts

ShonaVixen said...

where u at boo??

Funms-the rebirth said...

hey dear, just checking in...... hope ur good

FFF said...

happy new year girl!!!!!!!!!!! it's been ages!

abt d dude: let's just say i wouldn't do what u r doing. no divorce story is good enough 4 me

SECRET DIARY said...

Omo Oba, ki lo de? Na waaaaa ohhh.

* * *
Mii komment has bin safed, hand will be fiisible after di owner appruvaal.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

where are you?

Tigeress said...

Babes, where are you? u've been MIA far too long!

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Lisa said...

Hey darling, I hope all is well with you? I hope you're alright? Just thot I should let you know that we miss you on here....

Funms-the rebirth said...

how ve u been girl.........just checking in

Rita said...

Yes, it has been a long time. How are you doing?

Tisha said...

i don't know what to say
i don't do married men
i don't do younger men
except your name is carl zuckerberg
lol
i don't know what to say
i wish i could say it would end happy
but i would say he had no right
to get involved with you
until he knew he was free

don't sleep with him o!

Sunensi Designs said...

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Sunensi Designs said...

love your blog. leaving my footprint :)

saint said...

Hi beautiful,
I always knew your were a hopeless romantic, smart and very passionate.But don't you think you have hidden yourself too much from allowing yourself to love someone the would actually be able to sustain the breadth and depth of your emotions.

Your have always fascinated me from a distance and obviously have dangerous written ability.Pls continue i hope to read the novel soon.

Anonymous said...

Hmm Interesting... This is a year late i know but honestly these sort of issues are not always clear cut.. you are in a situation were your heart is saying one thing your mind another...

Nevertheless, can you kindly update where u are now in this situation.. U guys still togetehr or you moved on now?

doll said...

how now? miss u
email me dolchic@gmail.com

Funms-the rebirth said...

where ve u been darling?

rethots said...

Oh, tis many years past.

Happy New Year 2011...