In Pursuit of Happiness

With all due respect to brownsistas.com, i knew I had to do this article. Two days ago on my facebook account I said I was in pursuit of happiness. The motivation behind the statement was the fact that I needed to find the ultimate goal of being happy. I asked myself if getting married, getting a new six figure income job, travelling the world or dating the most eligibly rich dude in town would culminate in truly being happy. I realized my fears resurfaced every time I thought about maybe after a while after getting all of these supposed happiness triggers, I would still be unsatisfied.

“One of my greatest fears is not being able to be all I am made to be.”

Where I am today is a function of the decision I made yesterday. My financial, emotional, career state right now is simply because of the path I chose yesterday. The thought of this sent shivers down my spine. The fear derived from this knowledge energized me and caused me to think.

Have I made mistakes?, Yes!..Are my mistakes responsible for where I am today? Most certainly!...Can I get out of this rot? Most definitely..If I want to!...Isn’t it too late? Absolutely not!...How can I get out of this?...the last question here leads me back to the article I read on brownsistas.com on Rinse and Repeat….check excerpts of it below.

The Wet Mop Syndrome: A condition of mind rot where some people believe that person’s outside of themselves are responsible for their unhappiness. Usually the wet mopper converses with other wet moppers or other sounding boards to get their endless points across. Synonyms for wet moppers are: blame shifters, consistent complainers, gripers, and unfounded scathing criticism.

Making reference to the ones that are most important to me, I chose the following questions in finding answers to getting out of the mistakes I had made.

- How many opportunities have I blown simply because I was not prepared for them?
- How many years am I willing to wait before I take action?
- Will blaming others get me what I want? Or will it keep me right where I’m at?

Brown Sista Lifestyle Writer GT tells me that I could have all the reasons in the world why i can’t have, do or be what I want. But when the smoke clears, and life progresses on, I will be the one who feels the rub of my own inactions.

From the above, I learnt I had to change my thoughts to change my life. It’s never too late to begin. Opportunities are abounding every day, it is the ability to choose correctly the risks I take that would make a world of difference in me. I don’t have to wait till tomorrow to make a difference when I have today…I guess that means I need to start from exactly where I am and most importantly, be absolutely responsible for myself..no one is going to do for me what i need and must do for myself.

Brownsista says, when in need…Rinse and Repeat those questions as often as necessary.

Which of the questions rings for you?

Where's Brandy? + Mallinda Williams gets married

     

                                                                     
   
                                                                            
It’s been nearly four years since Brandy last released a video but that is all about to change as the singer/actress was spotted out on the streets of Los Angeles earlier this week taping the new video for her single, Right Here (Departed). Brandy says her CD is an unadulterated look into her heart and her most personal album to date. “I have grown so much since my last album. Being able to express myself and my journey through my music is a feeling I can’t describe. With this new chapter of my life it feels good to have Rodney (Darkchild), a familiar face, by my side again. He brings out emotions in me like nobody else.” The new album, recently renamed “Human”, will be released November 11th via Epic Records and the Right Here video is scheduled to debut early September via Yahoo Music.


On Saturday, August 23, actress Malinda Williams and former rapper and present celebrity deejay Derrick “D-Nice” Jones, wed in a quaint ceremony at The Mezzanine in Newark, New Jersey.
        

All credits to http://brownsistas.com

Just Stand up

Heard this song on the radio while prepping for work today...wasn't in a fantastic mood...rather in a throdding one.The song sunk real deep...so the first thing i did as i got to work was to find it on the internet, which of course i did.

It involves some of America's music’s biggest female singers coming together to record a song in support of cancer research. “Just Stand Up”, features vocals from singers Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Beyonce, Keyshia Cole, and many others. The single should officially hit radio and be available for download on iTunes September 2nd, however, obviously there's already a leak on the single.

All the ladies who participated in the making of this single will also come together September 5th to perform the song live during the “Stand Up To Cancer”.




The Lyrics:

Beyonce: The heart is stronger than you think
It’s like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though

Carrie underwood: Sometimes you want to run away
Ain’t got the patience for the pain
And if you don’t believe it look into
your heart the beat goes on

Rihanna: I’m tellin’ you that
Things get better
Through whatever
If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up

Sheryl crow: Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle

Beyonce: You need to know

CHORUS

Sheryl crow: If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up

Sheryl/Beyonce: Who are we to be
questioning, wondering what is what
Don’t give up
THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!

Fergie: It’s like we all have better days
Problems getting all up in your face

Leona Lewis: Just because you go through it

Fergie: Don’t mean it got to take control, no

Leona lewis: You ain’t gotta find no hiding place

Keyshia cole: Because the heart can beat the hate

Leona lewis: Don’t wanna let your mind keep playin’ you

Keyshia cole: And sayin’ you can’t go on

Rihanna: I’m tellin’ you that

Miley cyrus: Things get better
Through whatever

Rihanna: If you fall

Miley cyrus: Dust if off, don’t let up

LeAnn Rimes: Don’t you know you

Natasha Bedingfield: Can go

LeAnn Rimes: Be your own

Natasha Bedingfield: Miracle

Carrie Underwood: You need to know

Ensemble: CHORUS

Mary J.Blige: You don’t gotta be a prisoner in your mind

Ciara: If you fall, dust it off

Mary J. Blige: You can live your life

Rihanna/Carrie Underwood: Yeah

Mary J. Blige: Let your heart be your guide

Rihanna/Carrie Underwood: Yeah yeah yeah

Mariah Carey: And you will know that you’re good if you trust in the good

Ashanti: Everything will be alright, yeah
Light up the dark, if you follow your heart

Mary J.Blige: And it will get better

Mariah Carey: Through whatever

CHORUS

Fergie: You got it in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
Find it within you, find it within

Everyone: THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!

How Soon is too soon? - S.E.X

I spoke with a friend recently who happened to have met someone she kinda liked,feeling was mutual,the chemistry was intense, passion was unmistakable and guess what they had sex after one week. She has since been freakin out, not sure if he'd see her the way he saw her before.Phone calls have been exchanged afterwards but she still feels its not sufficient.

Her question?...Have i shot myself in the leg?...Have i destroyed the chances of having a meaningful relationship with this person?...Will he ever respect me as i would love to be respected?....Plenty..plenty questions...

As usual, went hunting...found Venus and Mars opinions on the matter, thot to share. If the subject topic matters to you, you are very free to share your onions too!



How do you think men feel about women who sleep with them on the first or second date? Does it affect whether they see you as a potential long-term girlfriend?

Rachel: It doesn’t matter if you sleep with a man on the first date or the 20th—if he really likes you, it won’t make a difference. But if you’re not sure and want to test how he feels about you, hold off. If he’s willing to stick around for a few dates and not pressure you, fine
If you don’t sleep with him either and don’t hear back from him, then you know exactly where his intentions were.

Cate: If you sleep with a guy too soon, you completely remove the mystique. I’m not advocating game-playing, but even the nicest guy will lose interest if you sleep with him quickly. If you give him access to everything right off the bat, there is nothing to work toward or look forward to. You’ve gotta strike a balance and give him a reason to call you!

Lisa: In my experience, you pretty much blow your chances of a relationship if you sleep with him too early because you’re fast-tracking dating to an awkward stage. It’s kinda serious because you’ve seen each other naked, but how serious can it really be if you barely know each other? It’s better to spend lots of time together before taking it to that level. What’s the rush?

Do you make a point of holding off on sleeping with a guy too early? How do men react to your decision?

Rachel: The last guy I really liked wanted me to go home with him after our first meeting. I said, “Not tonight,” and never heard from him again. Clearly he was just interested in sex, and I’m glad I found that out before things went further.

Cate: I always wait until we’ve spent a substantial amount of time together to gauge what the guy is like and how we mesh. It’s better to hold off a bit so you don’t discover something horrible about him after you’ve already had sex. But if you wait too long, you get into this weird friend territory. The guys I’ve dated have been cool with waiting. In fact, it’s even more fun for them because they can pursue you.

Lisa: I don’t want to sleep with anyone until we’ve established mutual trust, and that feeling takes time to develop. Most guys are OK with waiting until we get to know each other, but others aren’t. I’m pretty upfront about my decision, which helps me weed out the men who are only interested in sex.

Do you think women who make men wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?

Rachel: No. Women who have no problem making men wait may also not have a high sex drive and that doesn’t lend well to the long-term either.

Cate: I don’t think so, but I do think they end up being smarter about relationships and ultimately with better quality men because they got to know the guy, so sex was an informed decision, versus sleeping with him too soon, then finding out he’s a jerk.

Lisa: I think so. If you ultimately end up with the guy, it’s something you worked toward. You waited to get what you wanted, and that speaks to your dedication to relationships.

What is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?

Rachel: There’s no set time limit. Until both parties are comfortable with the idea and the act.

Cate: Wait a month, so you get to know each other. Or at least a handful of dates—say, five.

Lisa: You should wait until trust has been established. That usually takes a few months, until you’ve had some deep conversations or have met each other’s friends. The longer you wait, the more gratifying the sex will be.

If you do end up falling in bed with a guy pretty quickly but you want a serious relationship, are there things you can do to pave the way toward a longer relationship?

Rachel: No, you just have to feel it out and see what kind of response you get from him. If he calls you soon after and wants to get together, then go for it.

Cate: Afterwards, engage him with your mind. Make him want more time with you. Show him who you are, and don’t let him assume that sex will always be on the menu by planning activities during the day or with friends. You can still have sex, but play it cool. Show him that you’re interested in a relationship by letting him into your life.

Lisa: Tell him that you’d like to get to know each other more and hold off from having sex again for a while, so he doesn’t think that’s all your relationship will ever be.



Q: What do you think about women who sleep with you on the first or second date—does it impact whether you see her as a potential long-term girlfriend?

Jack (40 years old, divorced): Though the answer will no doubt send ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the female species, I don’t view the timing of the first occurrence of sex with a woman as an indicator of anything. Never.

Stan (35, never married): If a girl slept with me that quickly, I would consider it a deal-breaker. Men are wired to want to sleep with others more quickly because of instant gratification. But if a woman had that little self-control, it would not bode well for the future.

Alec (50, never married): In my mind, it doesn't make a difference—as long as the woman understands that just because she slept with me, it doesn't mean the rest of the relationship is also moving quickly. But I will say, it does sort of put pressure on the situation when you sleep together so quickly. It makes the getting-to-know-you part tougher. One or both of you may have expectations of what the next date will be like. For example, if you sleep over, what happens when one doesn't want to sleep over the next time? Does the other feel slighted? Does it mean every date is a sleepover, and if it’s not that you're regressing? It makes things tougher.


Q: Are there cases where you do sleep with a woman early on, but are still open to a serious relationship with her—say, if the sex is great, or you two really hit it off during brunch the next day, or she's friends of friends?

Jack: Sure. Great sex only makes us want to be with you more. And if we hit it off after sex over brunch the next day, we consider it a win. Her being friends of friends has nothing to do with it; it’s a non-issue. In fact, if I don't like her and she is a friend of a friend, I have to drop the blade sooner or the blow-back will be worse.

Stan: I think no, I would not be open to it. There was one girl I slept with on the first date, and we ended up having a relationship, but it was a woman I’d known and worked with for four months. But if it's someone you just met and you slept with on the first date, there'd be no recovery from that. And I don't think a woman should want to date a man who wanted to sleep with her on the first date. I don't even try to sleep with women on the first date anymore.

Alec: This question is based on the idea that if you sleep together early on, you're already thinking it will not be serious. So, in my mind, any man who rules out a woman who slept with him early on—well, he isn't being very serious about finding a long-term relationship in the first place.

Q: In your experience, do you think women who make you wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?

Stan: I think they do make better potential long-term partners. As I've gotten older, I have realized there should be something sacred, private, and intimate about sex between two people. It's a revelation and a sharing. I don't think I would want to be with someone who's so willing to share herself with others. I want someone who's going to honor that aspect of herself and only share herself when it's really appropriate.

Alec: Probably, yes. But it doesn't work too well if she's totally withholding physically early on. She needs to let you know she is receptive to sex with you and is holding off not because of lack of desire, but because she wants to get to know you more.

Jack: I disagree—in my mind, a woman who "makes you wait" is treating sex as a commodity. She’s trying to, as Pat Benatar once said, "use sex as a weapon" and trying to manipulate the outcome of the new relationship. If she feels the strength of a long-term relationship is contingent on when she "gave it up," she needs to get in her time machine and leave the year 1952—which she’s obviously stuck in—immediately. As soon as she places such a high value on sex, she devalues the other, more lasting
components of a successful long-term relationship.
“As I've gotten older, I’ve realized there should be something sacred about sex between two people.”


Q: What, in your mind, is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?

Jack: From the first date onward…

Stan: Probably three weeks to a few months. In this day and age, people are quick to make sex part of a relationship. It's unrealistic to think you can be dating someone four months without sex. So, a few weeks to a few months.

Alec: Maybe five, six dates. But it's very hard to make a rule for it. If there were rules about this stuff, it would be so much easier. I think it's best if men and women talk about sleeping together and have some ease of communication established before they do the deed. Let's face it, having sex changes the dynamics of a relationship.

Q: If a woman does end up falling in bed with you pretty quickly, are there things she can do to pave the way toward a longer relationship?

Jack: Yes. Don't suddenly start withholding sex to "slow things down”. You want to have less sex or at least balance it with public, social interaction? Fine. We're all for that. But we can't undo the fact we had sex. Was it fun? Great, let's do it again.

Stan: I think yes, if she convinces you that you're special and that she doesn't do this very often or hardly at all, if you feel there was something special between the two of you, then I think that would pave the way toward potentially overcoming that obstacle, if you will.

Alec: She should play it cool after the first time. If she sleeps with a guy early, then is a little evasive, it will drive him crazy and he’ll chase her more. This is the dirty little secret. If you tell women this, they will torture us forever.

This wan na oyinbo talk...i am doing a research on how a naija man and woman would view the issue.

Attitude is Everything!

My attitude determines my altitude.

What i do affects the response or results i receive from others, which affects my attitude towards life, informs the next move i make, decides the outcome of my actions, which will in turn have a profound effect on my joy, fulfillment, success and everything at large - Michelle Mckinney Hammond

It is a defining factor in determining our Spiritual, Emotional and Physical wellbeing.Someone once said there are three views of who we are - ours, other's and God's.So who do we listen to?..good question...you only can tell.

If attitude is then everything, how then does it affect my emotional being....how can i be emotionally independent, matured and resolute?

I seem to have known quite a handful of men in my lifetime, some very good, just good, good and others regretably bad.Each of them falls under one of these categories and had a major role to play in how emotional stable or unstable i have been.Nonetheless, it is learning through each experience that has given me the leverage and strength to write about this.

I met someone recently,under what circumstance irrespective, i feel honored to have met the person.We got talking and the person told me indirectly that i was a people pleaser and would do anything to get into someone's good book, even when it literally made me uncomfortable.

The truth behind this made me shiver,sending me to my roots.Therefore, i stand to find out...does my attitude determine my emotional maturity? If it does then i am on the search and still searching for what it means to be emotionally matured...so far this is what i have gotten...

For starters, i did a check on the following to see if i had all the symptoms....i alone can tell where i stand...u decide where u stand..

-Am I Egocentric?
Am i self-centered and selfish. Do i have little regard for others and am i preoccupied with only my ideas, feelings and symptoms. Do i deeply believe that i am somehow special. Do i demand constant attention, respect and sympathy.

-Do I have Uncontrolled Emotions?
Do I express myself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and rapidly changing moods. Do i get frustrated easily, and over-react to perceived criticism.

- Do i want it all now. Is my behavior superficial, thoughtless and impulsive. Does my loyalty last only as long as a relationship seems useful. Do i have chaotic finances.

- Am I Dependent
Am i indecisive, easily influenced and do i avoid responsibility for my actions. Do i stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change.

"Having viewed the following, i decided to go in search of solutions to the above, just in case i were found faultering".

Emotional Maturity implies controlling your emotions more willingly than letting your emotions to give you the orders. Your emotional maturity predicts your ability to manage and monitor your emotions, to assess the emotional state of others and to influence their opinions and behavior..
One's emotional maturity seem to be most profoundly influenced by your relationship history or trauma history.

Nonetheless, it determines the quality of our relationships.

Characteristics / Traits of Emotionally Mature People

- Thinking sooner than acting and having control over one’s behavior.

- Having the sense of self-reliance and the capability to take accountability for one’s life and actions.

- Having patience.

- Bonding with others in a supportive and constructive manner. Actually caring about others and representing their concern.

- Acting honestly and living by one's principles.

- Keeping self-control and balance in all things.

- Having the capacity to tackle difficult and demanding situations.

At times, Immaturity can also be related to child abuse and emotional incest. Go through the given questions and find out if you’re emotionally mature.

Do you deal with sudden change?
Do you pay attention to other people's ideas?
Do you make out your feelings as they occur?
Do you act wisely and mature enough under stress?
Do you express your feelings properly?
Do you take accountability for your actions and behavior?
Do you control intense emotions and impulses?

If your answer is ‘No’ to any of these questions, it points out part of your life when you’re not exactly emotionally mature. Stress, in extreme cases, also makes one to act immaturely.

How then can i learn emotional maturity?

I reckon anyone can develop emotional maturity in oneself and for the sake of relationships by keeping track of the following points:

1. Start accepting your tensions, stress, anxiety and worries. Don’t avoid it just to get momentary relief.Take the time to look at it, learn about it and work with it.

2. Start recognizing and appropriately expressing your ill feelings. It is known that people who do not express their anger are usually afraid of what will happen if they do.Instead of having suppressed feelings, vent out appropriately and then forget them.

3. Learn to bear pain and hurt because life is full of uncertainties. Pain and hurt are natural consequences of life and because of this simple fact, life involves change and loss. To never feel hurt is to be deadened. Our emotions are not fine china - overprotecting oneself leaves one vulnerable because you fail to develop strength and resiliency.
Moderate exposure to pain and loss is often what creates opportunities for developing coping skills.If you're always thinking of yourself as the victim whenever you're experiencing pain or loss..its really not helpful.

4. Understand your responsibility and learn from your mistakes. Face your guilty feelings squarely.We all make mistakes and we all behave selfishly and meanly at times.Keeping a positive approach and verbally expressing your regrets, makes it easier to make amends. We can't avoid doing wrong, because perfection does not exist in humans, so relax.

5. Put your feelings in perspective. Tolerate ambiguity, avoid words like never and always. Realize that the world is a vast place that we can never completely understand. Feelings are messy, mistakes are made,relationships are complex and life is ever changing.

There is nothing you will ever experience and no pain you will ever feel that has not been felt and survived by others.

If you doubt this, take a look around you and reach out...we are always learning...


Ultimately, man should not ask for the meaning of his life, but recognize that it is he who is asked. Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible. - "Viktor Frankl"

Roles Vs Real

Who am I?

Wherever and in whatever situation i have found myself, whether on a job or in a relationship...have i been true to myself...or have i been forced to act a part.

Has my role playing been sufficient in helping me be the best i can be. Does my being myself cause me to cringe in fear?

Who exactly am i....must i play a role to be accepted?

Browsing around, found this article, read and i am still just wondering!

 
by Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, M.Ed.

The anxiety can hit me like a punch in the stomach. Who am I?
In this moment I feel like I am an imposter. I have all the experience and training behind me and other people trust me, yet when I look at the words written about me I wonder: "Is this really me?"

I have played a lot of roles in my life. Each seemed to have a script. Being the good daughter, sister, student, babysitter, teacher, wife, mother, therapist and more. They all had expectations put on me by others. I learned how to play the parts. I read books, took courses and listened to the expectations of the roles I played.

When I met someone who had a different set of rules for the role, I was anxious. Was I really being the "best" of whoever I was trying to be?

Lots of times I felt like I was failing. I'd become impatient or exhausted and would feel like a failure. The perfect "I" would never act like I was acting.
Awareness of the Self that I am and how this Self is different from the roles I play, can help me answer the question - who am I?

I can look at my individual potential - things with which I was born. I can ask: "What are my limits and what are my strengths?"

While some people say we are all capable of being whoever we want to be, I know that one of my fantasies, to be a helicopter pilot, is not very realistic. I perhaps could, but won't, change my sex, my height, my ethnic background and a whole lot more. I could play dumber than I am, something women are told to do to succeed, but I won't. I have been told I am too emotional. I ask: "Too emotional for whom?"

In looking at the "real" Self, I need to accept these parts of myself. I need to look at myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Who am I really when I am free to be Me?

Watching ourselves through what we do when we have the choice to do whatever we want, will lead us to our authentic self.

Living roles involves the expectations of others and our own expectations of ourselves. What do I expect of a good daughter of an aging parent? What makes a good wife? How does a successful business woman behave? What does she look like and what does she wear?

Role models assign us expectations. When my mother died in her 50's she left me without her role to follow. I needed to look for other examples of how to "be" a mature woman. I looked to my grandmothers and aunts. I looked to respected peers. I asked myself: "How do I want to be me?" The freedom to invent myself was overwhelming. What if I chose wrong? Couldn't someone just tell me and I could follow the script?

When I purchased a little red sporty car, I was told it was juvenile by a woman who lived her roles flawlessly. Her comments surprised me. I questioned my decision.

Crisis points demand we grow. Deciding I needed to be playful and happy was more important than living her version of the role. I must live with the consequences of my decisions and if breaking the role of a middle aged woman that others adopt had consequences, I was going to find out what they were.

I had far more comments of "cute car" than critical ones. It has been a long time and I still get a smile on my face when I climb into my latest "toy".
I do not want power over others and I do not want others to try to control me. I will not live in a role, although I find it helpful to have a whole collection of roles I can play when I want. I can shift from role to real and back again.
Understanding the difference between the roles we play and the real women we are capable of being, gives us great freedom. It gives the ability to create the lives we want.

We are also a role model for others, especially our children. In the constant demands of activities and expectations, children need to discover and hold on to, their authentic selves.

Make your life the way you'd wish your children's lives will be for them!

http://timefinders.net

DeGeneres weds De Portia

 



Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have become lawfully wedded wives.

Capitalizing on the recent switcheroo in California law, the longtime loves swapped vows Saturday in front of family and friends at their Beverly Hills estate, according to People.

A small group of less than 30 wedding guests, all dressed in summer formal attire, started arriving at Ellen's posh $29 million abode Saturday evening at around 6:30 p.m.

"It was all close friends and family," said a source, adding that no celeb guests were spotted entering all day.
Both wore Zac Posen and exchanged rings by Neil Lane. Actress de Rossi has been sporting a Neil Lane-designed, marquise-cut pink diamond ring on her wedding finger since June.

DeGeneres, 50, and de Rossi, 35, have been an item (not to mention paparazzi magnets and an adorable red-carpet couple) since December 2004. On May 15, the day after the California Supreme Court struck down a ban on gay marriage by ruling it unconstitutional, DeGeneres announced on her talk show that she and de Rossi were planning to tie the knot.
The audience, which included her smiling Australian-born partner that day, responded with a standing ovation.

"I'll tell you who the lucky guy is soon," DeGeneres added, never missing a beat.

"Planning a wedding is very stressful," DeGeneres said on the red carpet at the 2008 Daytime Emmy Awards, where she took home her fourth statue in a row for Outstanding Talk Show Host. "It is crazy. My gardener is now invited."
And on a more serious note, she added: "I can't wait to be married. I feel like it is long overdue. And I think someday people will look back on this like women not having the right to vote and segregation and anything else that seems ridiculous like we all don't have the same rights."

Not knowing that a legally smiled-upon wedding was in their future, they purchased their 8,500-square-foot Cabrillo Drive home last year. They now own three adjoining pieces of property in their canyon enclave, making for an ultra-private abode.

City planning officials have told E! News that it's possible the couple might want to completely gate off their end of the street, but a public hearing would have to be held to approve such a request.